The principles of a system freak

...And spring

2007-10-29T17:56:00.000Z

http://flashplots.blogspot.com/

How to finish a local highway

2007-07-13T10:31:00.000+01:00

1.
Mohsen came with much more white hairs. Now is his turn to get age and be forgotten in the local highway; as it happened to his fathers, brothers and sisters from 120 years ago, the time that we stepped into a local highway toward freedom.

Coffee and cigarettes is not only the name of a movie but also it is how people communicate in local highway. We were in the same cafe with the same owner, same people and the same bullshits but more awful for both of us. We were in a bubble; a bubble full of intellectual anxieties about Eco and Walter Benyamin, show-off about sexual freedom and drugs by human-shaped books like MP3 sounds out of computer speakers covered by a layer of smoke.

We rolled up to explode the bubble and enter again in our local highway. He is obviously happier in his car and I am more comfortable when he is happy. Once he told me he is spending most of his time in his car because it is the only place that he can be on his own as he wants.

500% increment in the price of petrol made local highways 500% less crowded and we were both happy for that. He was arguing that now you can see real archetypes in the local highways, the car-human pairs that must be in the local highways to define their identities.

And I like his argument. When I was looking around with his warm voice, I could have managed to see properly from the other side of the sunset to the stars bridge and I understood no one knows who is asleep and who is awake. Someone wants the sun to laugh and someone else wishes the rain. Someone closes the window and someone else again knocks the door.

I realized that all of us in the local highways have thousands of stories to tell, about our debts and needs, about our happiness and cries regardless if we are poor or rich, Persian or European and I think our portion in this juncture, more or less, is a basket full of smile for a momentary sadness or vice versa.

Mohsen and I on that time-space coordinate were traveling together in a local highway thinking how we can convert the cars into drops of rain although both of us believed that the global highway is going to end in a desert near no mans land.

2.
It was our last meeting. She was going to another local highway and I in another one the day after. We were in her sister's house. She was not home but her 5 years old son, Bahador, was sleeping in the smallest room. It was midnight and I had a flower fully naked in front of mine.

We slept together and made love very slowly. It took long long time in silence. Before going to bathroom she said thank you and I said the same. We had nothing else to say. She slept immidiately and I started another night crawling. I couldn't have gone out because I didn't have the key so I went to the smallest room to take a look to Bahador's dream.

I think Bahador was dreaming a flower with three different faces. The first one was a 24 years old girl with a nice body and smile, a girl that you really feel responsibility to take care of her. But the first face was so sleepy and as far as it slept, a silly 8 years old boy woke up and made Bahador mad. He really wanted to punch his face but he didn't because he was really afraid of his shouting so he just ate his anger and the boy's crap. But at some point he started vomiting. Third face came after vomiting; when Bahador saw a miserable girl in his age crying so so painful but in her silence. The girl couldn't find any one to play with. Once she found another Bahodor and she forced herself to love him. But another Bahodor didn't want to play. That's why after that she lost her confidence. She became like a black cat attacking every Bahadors who want to play with her, a flower who had a great talent to find drawbacks in butterflies and saying NO.

I was sure that Bahador felt sorry for her but he had to leave her to play with me in his dream. We went together to a park. He was running so freely just like a bird. All of a sudden he stopped and looked to the floor. Then he turned back and gazed at me with a couple of eyes full of questions.

- Ali, are dogs getting married?

I didn't know how to answer. He understood. He changed the topic and started running again.

- Uncle Ali, I am going to my headquarter. Are you coming with me?
- No, I have to go back to your aunt. If she wakes up and can't find me she is gonna be sad and worried.

He looked at me again and to the floor as well. I turned back and left the park to enter the local highway ending to his aunt. He run like a bullet toward his headquarter, the place that no one can enter except him. He knew that so he pretended that he believed my justification.

When I entered the room she woke up. I looked at her naked body and felt effectively satisfied thinking that I was inside it twice that night.

- Ali, could you hear that?
- What?
- Someone is crying so far in space and time.
- It was just the wind

I kissed her and she just needed that to sleep again. I followed her nice neck to reach to the window and see how trees were dancing in Tehran's summer breeze.

3.
I took an airbus for 6 hours in an aerial highway and I ended into 20 Centigrade less tempreture. Yannis was alone in the office.

We went to OVT to have a pint. It seemed that it was years between our pints. I really missed his company.

It is raining now and I am in another local highway, with black boots and a leather jacket.

After a long procedure, I've decided to finish posting in this blog with a poem which will not be posted here but in another blog. I think I've gathered enough principles to be a system freak.

That's how system freaks finish a local highway, when there is no reason for not starting a new local highway.

This is the last post of this blog.

A cover for local highways

2007-06-27T13:12:00.000+01:00

1.
It was a clear image but I didn’t have my camera to capture its history.

I woke up around 4 PM…I had my shoes on… After that I was in between of libido and logic for a while and of course libido took over. The window was open and I could have smelled the rain…Now, it is Tehran’s turn….

My mom was in front of TV as well as my father. She is reading less than before. But my father is the same; he has plan up to the age of 95.

Tiger Lilies and “Reading Lolita in Tehran”…That was the plan that I finished in the afternoon.

The price of petrol increased 500% in the news.

I could have imagined long queue in local highways. We were in one toward a tunnel. We stopped behind a traffic light. Red with a counter: 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, …

The highway went into darkness because of electric cut off. In the car beside, two girls were kissing passionately.

Green and the first gear: we went toward the tunnel full of cars with people inside.

I was thinking how many stories can be written just in this tunnel, a tunnel toward future.

I am sure these cars will move soon although the price of petrol is 5 times more than before in this tunnel linking 2 local highways.

2.
“If you want, you can pay first. I have many books”. I said to the girl behind me in the queue. She didn’t say a word. Her shy blue eyes was locked on the title of her book: “Ansichten eines clowns”

Nima came with a book in his hand. He read the first sentence of the book with a massive smile:

“Democracy is against all religions, particularly Islam”. All of us started smiling in the queue.

I think these smiles are so promising.

Mr. Abbassi is an engineer who is working in this book shop, a simple man, thinner than me with a moustache. He brought another book:

“It has been translated recently. It is amazing”

Butterfly and Tank: the fifth column and four stories of the Spanish civil war.

Our eyes converged to each other on the title, like two parallel lines meeting in infinity.

Both of us bought the book and went toward our mutual destiny in different local highways.

3.
I’ve always liked to write a story ending with heart attack, a scenario that Amir had played up to the end.

I can remember the last lines that he wrote in a local highway:

“I’ve gradually came to this point that western intellectuals owe a great respect to third world intellectuals, because of the great pain that they are receiving for being intellectuals.”

Reza, the book terrorist, stole my new book. We went to his house after visiting my uncle who had an open heart surgery a couple of days ago.

In the beginning of the book I wrote:

“I am so crazy that I have still hope to this stupid friendship, which is full of rubbery and abuse. I was crazy, I am crazy and I will be crazy.

I hope at least you allow me to read the lines that I’ve paid for it.

You know how much I love you and Maryam but what I wrote is none of your business”

I still haven’t written a story ending with heart attack.

Afterword for local highways

2007-06-25T14:23:00.000+01:00

1.
It was a point at the end of a highway. Then it was converted to a yellow beetle and gradually gradually to a car with a kid on the back. The kid of our story waved his hand and I did so. Then Nima turned to left and his mom to right while both of us were looking at each other and enjoying the last moment of our friendship.

That kid in the yellow car faded in another highway and we in another one, but he helped me to write an afterword for my last post.

Sometimes we have to see certain people in our life and pass them. As soon as we pass them or maybe a while after, we will realize how important they were for us.

It happened to me with 180 kilometres per hour plus the speed of his mom’s car.

2.
She came here for the first time and we had dinner with my parents. I took her hard drive to copy some music.

Double Whiskey and a couple of Margarita…My father treats girls much better than guys. When we had dinner my father asked:

“So, is she your mom, aunt, sister, or what?”

I have 3 moms, 5 aunts and 19 sisters. But Nima has one mom, one aunt and no sister. Thanks god that both of us have just one father.

“I’m just Ali’s friend; we know each other for 12 years”

We didn’t say anything more about that. Nima joined us and we enjoyed the rest of the night around the table.

She went to a highway to come back another day.

3.
I really like my new T-shirt, but it will not help me if I really need to go to toilet.

I urgently needed one. My gut was like a Piton full of shit. I had no way except going to the posh restaurant nearby.

It was a queue on the entrance for getting served. But I didn’t want to be served. That’s why I passed all the people in the queue and went inside.

It was so intensive that I turned to the first door without looking to the sign. Instead of toilet it was manager’s room. She was in my age, I think.

When I saw her, I didn’t know what to say. She asked in a very polite way: “What can I do for you, sir”.

I wanted to say I am looking for the toilet but instead I farted loudly with a sticky smell.

It was 10 second silence and drops of sweat all over. I dived in the ocean of shame with my new T-short.

It took another 10 seconds for her to tell me:

“End of corridor, on the right”

I did exactly the same, but when I opened the door I just heard a massive girlish shout.

Apparently on that particular space-time coordinate, “on the right” meant “on my left” as far as shitting is concerned.

When I was serving their fancy toilet with a dish of Piton in tomato sauce, I was thinking how many internal and external highways we have to pass to realize how to forgive ourselves because of the silly things that we did in our life, either we were responsible or not.

I really like my new T-shirt although Nima said that I look like rubbish collectors working from midnight till morning in local highways.

Local highways

2007-06-24T15:09:00.000+01:00

1.
When Hamid showed up, it was almost midnight. I was talking with another Maryam, Reza’s wife. We were in a highway down in time, to our memories from university, her dream to have a baby, and my cell in a remote island which was so far from the reality that I was breathing at the moment.

I saw him as always with a cosy nest full of smile. Deep black eyes and long black hair brought his face out of my ancient myths, the components that we should re-narrate nowadays.

I’m dying to say
Just a word…
Just a word ?!
Keep it silent

“Don’t worry, this is also passing. Can’t you see it?” He said.

That’s the way to drain in our being. When we were in the elevator at 3:00 AM, I was sure that I am going to see him again, since he promised me by his eyes not a word.

2.
We were in another highway with a squadron of humming birds above us. Tehran is a mega polis with an absolutely chaotic transportation network. Cars and people reach to sort of unity. This is the reason that cars can act like people and people like cars.

Chasing in highways, working in highways, racing in highways, jogging in highways, spying in highways, kissing in highways, fighting in highways, socking in highways, partying in highways, drinking in highways, thinking in highways, smoking in highways, reading in highways, sniffing in highways, praying in highways, dying in highways…Everyone in this jungle deal with highways in his/her own way.

Before fading in our back, I could have managed to read the name of the manufacturer: “Support Foundation of Miserable in Islamic Revolution”

Apparently, it is one of the wealthiest cartels in the whole world, based on Economist. They have business from construction to oil business and from carpet to agriculture. My parent’s flat is in one of the high rises built by them. There are always some doll girls and westernized boys in the lobby full of makeup and boot fit jeans.

At the end, when we passed a truck full of machinery carpets, I had this feeling that my tribal being is the Meta archetype of Persian carpet, full of colours and paradoxical forms, all drown in a unique canvas.

3.
We were in the highway ending to Shian nuclear site in east of Tehran. But instead of going there, we turned in the last round about to go to north and enjoy the green part of the country for some days. We passed mountains and peaks to go down and see how green can gradually cover the land without any explicit indication.

Based on the WMO, Iran has 12 different climates out of 19 possible climates.

Totally we drove 1000 kilometres in 3 days and experienced 5 of them.

4.
“You can’t smoke here.” I was in Hotel Ramsar’s lobby with an absolutely full stomach. I went out to finish my cigarette. On my back was green mountains covered by fog and in front Caspian Sea with shinny blue waves.

While finishing my cigarette, I was defragging my mind in the safe mode. I know that many of my hidden files are still not in order.

I always want to overcome myself, many times without any reason.

When I came inside, I saw the guys sitting on the sofa with 3 girls. They were young painters and wondered if we are photographer.

It took 15 minutes for me to tell her what I’m doing in my life. She understood, but I got lost more. That’s why I couldn’t realize that we were already in a local highway down to sex, drugs and rock’n’roll.

In the morning when we came out from Dr. Golmohammadi’s place, the landscape was covered by the thick blanket of fog, like many of my hidden files.

Sometimes I don’t need to see everything around and indeed I can enjoy with this ignorance.

5.
We were less than half a meter far from hell. The car decided to stop at the last moment. We even didn’t take off to see what was going on. Mani was continuing his funny story. I was 10 centimetres far from having heart attack because of laughing at his story.

We know how to make jocks out of tragedies, although we can be part of tragedy.

From Birmingham to Ethanol 96%

2007-06-17T17:42:00.000+01:00

1.
Drunk and in love…Drunk and not in love…Not drunk and in love…Not drunk and not in love…Whatever…

My mobile says it is 5:30 AM, although here is 8:30 AM…This is also one of the wired things that we’ve got used to it. When we used to something, we will spoil it for sure…Like time, space, nature and chances that come into our life.

I’m in Dubai international airport trying to write something:

Drops of rain
All over the garden
Like humans,
Meet randomly
And fade away

Maybe it was a reason behind it or even wisdom. Or maybe it is just one of the eastern belief, although I think all the major stuffs in our life happens quite randomly, at least from our point of view if we want to just stick to the sensible information.

But I like Spinoza crappy bullshits. It is almost 10 years that I have been trying to find the evidences to prove there is something beyond our sensible information. Up to some extent I was successful. But I am still not sure, especially if I want to stick to the last pairs in my information time series

“Maybe you were just a breath far from the truth, but you couldn’t stand it”. Yannis told me the other day.

After each major earthquake, there are several minor ones. Last one happened in the Birmingham airport. I was in the pub and a little bit drunk. Two couples and a single guy around 60 were playing boring pub quiz. They were British but not from Birmingham. So what the fuck they were doing there? I never understood and I will never understand. Maybe just to make an earthquake…

- Who was the inventor of colt?

None of them could answer. I was beside them. Without any control I said:

- Samuel Colt, American inventor, 1814-1862

This word was like a tunnel brought me back to my 8th years of age, when I was struggling with my grandpa’s encyclopedia. Odipos, Sophokolos, Machiavelli, Gagarin, De Vinci, Neil Armstrong, Ben Sina and many other names…But on that particular time I was just thinking about Ernest Hemingway. A sudden enlightening told me why. Why he was ended by a bullet. He was in front of me drinking his last drops of whisky. Thanks god that Samuel was not around. He was just an answer in the quiz.

A theoretical physicist told me that my major earthquake was at least around 9 Richter… 9 Richter in a box…If it happened in Tehran, minimum 6 million people would die. But I’m still alive. Should I be happy for that?

It is 9:30 here and I am in the middle of dream and reality. In my dream, I’m telling my future daughter her favorite story…How I traveled into a stone…

- Daddy, tell me the story of your travel into the stone.

I cover her with the blanket, like clouds cover the sun.

- Once upon a time daddy saw a stone, which seemed to be so comfortable to live. So daddy went inside and cleaned all the room. Then daddy brought some smaller stoned as table and chairs…

Her shinny questioning eyes was locked on my mouth.

- And what happened next?
- Then daddy cooked a delicious meal with wild flowers, a real rebellious dish.

That was the end of the story. It has been always important for her to hear the last part of the story, always. I think for her this story was like a Columbus gate to his father’s new world.

When I opened my eyes, my head was full of numb feelings and some memories which should be expressed by a broken leg not words. I was analyzing the smashed parts of mine, the particles which are all related to a period with no shape, no form…A series of events that happened like a broken wings.

In the reality, I am trying to find something for a girl back home. At the end, I am sure I am not going to buy anything because I don’t feel.

Maybe her words remember me…

Two Arabs are passing by with at least 6 times more weight than me, but 6 times less than the weight of the names in my brain.

2.
When I got to Tehran, it was my brother and only my brother. I hugged him and he smiled. He took my stuff. I wanted to smoke. He took the car and we drove in the highway to home.

I saw my ancient land for another time. Tinder sticks and my brother and a poem in my head:

These expensive trips
To the gate of being
To one, dying of another one
Doesn’t make any difference

Sometimes, my heart is clapping for me
It is taking me by hand
And kicking me by legs
Logic with rotten brain
Has no way to be back

When Pegout 206 is in the highway
When the poverty and crack is on the table
My heart is flying in the desert

When there are chains and locks
When the door of jail is open
The one who is escaping
Is a real wonker

Everything is laughing at us, Nima
Everything is ruining with us, Nima
Everything is burning with us, Nima

When the pray is finishing
When the peace is ending
When the honesty is shivering
It is the time to take a shower

Wow, if it rains
If it rains

When they put your head in the gutter
Write your biography on the water
When they take your hand from behind
Just write on the surface of bubble
Write for love, wine, flowers
But don’t forget the darkness

Wow, when your history is finishing
When the words are ending
When others are kidding with your honesty

I just want to cut
I just want to cut
I just want to cut

This is the story of my tribe.

3.
Reza and Niki came together. He stole the new book that I was reading, big bustard. When it is coming to books he is a real son-of-a-bitch.

I was talking with my mom about translation and she gave me some stuff from one of her students:

“You,
Stood on your feet
Like a human being
Not like an animal
Like a tree, oak
Raised and died”

(The tragic sense of life in men and nations, Miguel de Unamuno)

Why this one? I looked at her, and she looked back. In between was a flooding river of unspoken words.

Apparently, it is flooding in Birmingham as well.

4.
I went out with my brothers friends. I think Persian beauty is a real fact not an illusion. Maryam is a Persian girl, with American passport, carrying an amazing hidden beauty not only in her face but also in her soul. We went together to Tehran Museum of Contemporary Art.

It was 35 Maryams there with Iranian passport.

5.
I have been trying to post in Blogger for the last 2 hours. The only thing that coming on the screen is this message:

“This page can not be displayed”

Even the Blogger website is filtered in this country.

However, we know how to deal with restrictions. We’ve got used to it. I called a friend and he is going to send me an EXE file to break the wall….Nothing can stop us… Nothing…

Andrew's key could open all the invisible boxes

2007-06-11T23:59:00.000+01:00

A trip and another trip. This one was just a moment. Realization of something very serious. That nothing is serious. Even the most disgusting feeling, which is the feeling of ruin. The picture that just came out of a missing key and cover all myself and my surroundings.

I opened the most crappy box in mankind's soul and explored all inside for a week. After that I understood that I shouldn't try to open everything in my soul although it is challenging and adventurous. Being brave sometimes (in my case, most of the time recently) means stupidity.

After 10 days, another stability. Or maybe just a self protection. After lots of hassles, I could have managed to close the box and put it in the corner of myself. Maybe it wasn't me and it was closed by itself or at least the box pretend to be closed. I am not gonna open it again, simply because I am really afraid of this particular box. But I have to be very careful with the other boxes there. I hope they are not going to be opened by themselves...

Draws of 75, 77, 78

2007-06-07T18:54:00.000+01:00

75.

My 2nd language is Persian

My first language is silence

My mother tongue is forgotten

77.
Monday: a hole
Tuesday: a couple of holes
Wednesday:two holes and another hole
Thursday: many holes
Friday: holes on the road
Saturday: holes in my home
Sunday: my whole is a hole

78.
Hey you, the flag,
On the tower of wind
Dancing?

You'll also fall one day

Draws of 72, 73, 74

2007-06-05T15:40:00.000+01:00

72.
I called your mouth, apple
Naked fire, delicious landscape

How come?
You want me to not like you?
With these oaks, trees,
With these nights, snows
And silence

How come?
With two birds
And a couple of
Lemon leaves?

73.
Like water
Like breeze
Moon
Mystery
River
Road

When did I find myself like that?
And where?

Like the sixth sense,
Strange

74.
Tired of you,
But more from mine
I walked in an unknown street
And I thought about the pleasure
Just passed by in a funeral

You were so simple and nice
With a green hat and dark pants
You were born in my poems

And buried there

The key

2007-06-03T00:01:00.000+01:00

This story that I want to tell, started with a key which was initially lost and finally found, followed by a discussion in pub, four poems and it has been finished a couple of minutes ago by a phone call.

Sometimes I am thinking that the whole story is not important. Not at all actually. All ups and downs, mental and physical trips are just residuals. The importance, maybe, just lays down in some rare moments, some images, and these images make us to live the story or let say bare the story.

We never start a story. Story will start by itself and finish by itself.

The story that I wanted to tell finished by itself before starting, although I am living with its clear images.

A key which was initially lost and finally found, a discussion in pub, 4 poems and a phone call.

Draws of 17, 47, 81

2007-05-31T16:47:00.000+01:00

17.
Rain is touching the window
Like the angle's finger
Drop, drop
String, string
Memories are falling

47.
The sun, and the farm
The morning breeze
Will blow us like a seed
In the darkside of the ground

81.
"And at night
You will look up at stars
Where I live
Everything is so small
I cannot show you where
My star is to be found.

It is better like that.

My star will just be
one of the stars,
So you will love
To watch all the stars
in the sky...

They will be all your friends..."

Last coffee with Katy

2007-05-29T20:07:00.000+01:00

I just know that now is spring and I am still young. Being young in the spring is not just a phrase; it is a state full of passion.

It was another spring and I was young, actually younger. I was writing a paper days and nights and drinking coffee. Although I had a very clear mind about working and sacrificing because of my future, I was very board. I was even jealous to cats in the park nearby. I could hear them making love. All of a sudden I stopped writing and looked at my desk. Such a time I had on that desk the spring before. I was even younger and spring was more spring or if you want springer. But time passed. She was a nice girl and we were together just 4 weeks. But it was enough to remember her the spring after and I really mean it.

I called her and it was answering machine: "Please leave your message after the tone"... But who puts a message in spring. Spring is the time for momentary passion not putting the message.

My parents were at home. I hadn't seen them for 2 days. I was all the time in my room. My brother was coming to my room, but my parents not. They knew me and they knew that I prefer to be alone. They were so understanding and they are still, although they are older now and of course I'm with more responsibility, if I realize.

I took a shower. I couldn't stand the room anymore. I should go out but where. To that friend? no. To that place? no. I was only thinking about one concept: Katy.

Katy on that time was a student in political science, but we never ever talked about politics. Actually it was only one time that we talked properly and it was the first day that we met. I was in a friend's house having a small gathering and she was there as well. We talked about movies and music and then I got her number.

I don't know actually why I remember this story now. Maybe because my housemate received an unexpected call 2 days ago or maybe because I didn't have a cigarette for the last 3 hours, or maybe because I really want a coffee and I mean it.

I went out without saying anything to my parents. Her house was in walking distance from my parents house. It was in the afternoon and still the mountains was full of snow. I went to her door and did the bravest stuff in my life. I rang the bell.

I heard that somebody is coming down from the stairs. By each step, my heart was falling into my stomach and again coming back to its place somewhere on the left hand side of my body. I was like a yo yo. Moving between spring before somewhere on my desk and the door. Someone open the door. It was her. She couldn't believe that; I as well.

- Hi
- Hi, what are you doing here?
- I was just passing from your door and I wanted to say hello....Happy new year by the way.
- Oh, after a month!? but thanks.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing, my parents are in vacation. I am home alone.

That was the thing I wanted to hear. All of a sudden I felt that something moving under neat of my under wear. Apparently, the monster woke up after his winter hibernation. She was much better than before.

It was a massive silence for 30 seconds. I thought that "Ali, you have to make a move" and all of a sudden a word came to my brain: Coffee.

- Would you like to have a coffee?
- I had mine just 5 minutes ago, but well, you can come in and have a coffee. The stuffs are on the table.

I jumped in as I conquered the most inaccessible land of the world. I was following her through stairs. She was in a skirt and I could see absolutely everything. Jesus Christ man, this girl is even better than 30 seconds ago.

When we were in the kitchen, the monster was completely awake and looking for a pride.

- How is your life going?
- I didn't know that you are interested in my life.
- Come on Katy, of course I am.
- OK, I've got a new boyfriend. What about you?

Well, what about me? Very good question. After that coffee, which was the last time I met you, I had another coffee and another coffees. But nothing changed Katy. I am still typing a fucking paper, not in Iran but in UK. I am still struggling with myself and my surroundings. Do you remember? you told me you are not gonna be satisfied in your life, because you are always looking up to the sky. I remember clearly you and that night now. We were smoking near the window in your parents house and of course I was looking up to the sky and I was tiered of your lab lab labs.

I don't know what are you doing now. I heard that you graduated a year after the last coffee and you were thinking to go abroad to your brother in Austria. Are you there now?

My desk is not the same desk, my computer as well, my cloths as well. Nothing is the same but I am still the same, in love with the sky and the bullshits over there. I still love the sky Katy, although I got hurt for it a lot but I've enjoyed it as well, quite a lot. I know you didn't love me, and I didn't love you. That's why it has been finished. But I miss you, because it is spring and I am still young and moreover, I really want to have a coffee with you and tell many things to you about the sky and the things that I found there and the things that I lost there, although most probably, you are not interested to hear them. Your are down, on the earth, as you were. That's why I didn't remember you up to now that I really want to have a coffee.

I think I deserve to have at least a coffee with you in this spring and talk about movies and music. Like the first night. I think you also agree with me, don't you? But the problem is that I don't know your address, email, mobile number, nothing. Maybe you are on the other side of Atlantic, or in Iran or even in walking distance again. Does it make any difference? Of course not.

On that day I didn't tell you that I missed you and why I came to your door, because I hadn't missed you. You thought that I was a good one that you know with an innocent concern of saying hello. But now I am mature enough to tell you that I miss you a lot, maybe because I wrote about you. Potentially, last night I could have looked into my magic box, the one that you liked but never touched, and I might have found the first or even the last words that you wrote for me. Most probably you don't remember, I am as well. It was full of complain about me and my irregularities. At the end, you wrote me:

I hope I see you one day coming back to the earth, not for me but for yourself.
Your nobody,
Katayon Nobari

I didn't, because I didn't want to have coffee last night and there is also not such a line. You never wrote to me, and I didn't as well. But I've got the message.

A foreward on nowadays plastic bag farming

2007-05-28T18:13:00.001+01:00

There are several ways to start a story and I think you have no way but starting a story at some points. Millions of people have tried millions of them. Someone by love, someone by war, but I am sure no one start a story from Isfahan-Tehran highway at 2:00 PM. It was a plastic bag near the highway and I had such a stomach ache that I have no way except fulling the bag with the stuff that I had eaten last night. My parents were in their car waiting for me. My brother was 4 years old and he was trying to see what I am doing. When I came back, my parents didn't tell me anything but it was my brother who argued that I have to be ashamed for throwing the plastic bag in the farm nearby, because in his point of view it wouldn't be possible to grow any plastic bag tree in a farm. Regardless to the color or size of the plastic bag.

Years after he went to school of agricultural engineering in University of Tehran and he understood that his brother was not that wrong. He realized that I've started a story there.

Many stories can start from a same point, in space, time or even both. I have a grandma who was driving alone between Tehran to Isfahan with a Mercedes Benz during 1970s. This is the same start as the story of plastic bag in space but not in time. On that time, I might be just a banana tree in Africa. I was not even existing in the world of ideas. But she was a very stylish middle-age woman with tones of proud and make up. Because she was so unique (Of course. who was driving such a car on that time and space alone? Full of lorry drivers with horny mustache, neither Sofia Loren nor Tall Pari(1) couldn't have done that) she could have had an idea about everything from cooking rice to the war between Arabs and Judds. She was also a fan of western music. Frank Sinatra, Andy Williams, Elton John. Although she didn't know English at all, she could understand that these are proper music because proper people listen to that when she had been abroad. She was an experienced woman. Loads of restaurant and traveling abroad. She was not only eating in restaurant, she was also learning culture and class. A proper one, which suits with her shoes and car.

On that time, it was a shame for my parents to listen to those crap. Especially my dad, although I found those signs of status years after in his old tapes and discs.

Years passed and one day her son had a terrible accident with the Mercedes Benz and that was the time. All of a sudden she understood that she is getting old and the days are not similar to the past. Her rice cooking skill was not as NUMBER ONE as before. Politics as well. In 1979 revolution happened and it made such a thunder that the business of my grandpa collapsed from the roof of the country. Her grandson also, I mean me, had a terrible diary in Italy. It was so terrible that my grandma smelled it in Tehran and on such days, bloods and bullets, flew to Italy to bring a plastic bag for me, but she couldn't manage to bring the highway. Never mind, highways can be found every where. But Italy was not the same as before, because the price of Dollar for my granny was not as before. She should have stayed in my parents house instead of a 5 star hotel. Such a shame.

I said all of that to just start a story. This story now has Alzheimer and is looking at the TV screen, all night sometimes, to make sure that thieves are not coming into her place from TV. Don't think that she is getting crazy, not at all. In Christmas when I went back she told me:

- Safa, I think I will not see your wedding although I am sure you are not virgin. That makes me happy.

She was always very right and wise. I was thinking such a hard time this old wisdom has passed during these years after that tragic accident. One day she was praying and I was listening. She was singing Feeling of Andy Williams instead of the true pray. She knew the lyrics by heart. I didn't tell that to my mom because I liked the song, it reminded me the first morning that I wasn't virgin anymore. On that time, my parents and brother were in the Tehran-Isfahan highway without me and any plastic bag. I was drunk driving all the highway down from the city of her black eyes to small lovely village of her toes. The highway was passing from mountains and jungles. In the middle of one of the jungles just some minutes after the vast abyss of her stomach, it was a lake that I stopped to have a swim there. Beside the lake was a pack of small plastic bags.

"In such a condition, you should expect everything from your patient"

Her Doctor said to my mom yesterday at the same time but not space. Yesterday, I was 6000 KM away, on my bed and trying to show her how you can send thieves in to the computer screen. She couldn't believe that I could monitor the location of people who are coming to my blog. Yes, I can as my grandma can monitor the clouds in her ocean of thoughts. I am the only bird there who is bringing bread and Notella for his kid laying down on the sofa. Chick Chick Chick.

This story hasn't been finished as well, although many stories have started, grown, and vanished from a plastic bag or into a plastic bag or even both.

(1) Tall Pari was a very famous prostitute during late 1960s and 1970s in Iran who was hanged after the revolution.

Nails trimming

2007-05-27T00:59:00.000+01:00

The place that I am writing now is not comfortable at all. I'm in my bed with a laptop on my legs and I am trying to write with no reason.

One morning, I woke up and I remembered that I should go to London to deliver something. I was like a pizza boy....From: Birmingham, To: London. Thanks god, these days at least pizza business is going well.

I had a backpack full of 1 pound stuffs, 5 books, and 1 bubble sword. It was also some knowledge there. Finite element and these sort of bullshits. It was like a modern painting somehow. Very avaunt-guard. From Allen De Boton to TESCO perfume...

They had something in common though: For all of them you have to pay...

I should have also paid. For instance I paid for the ticket to London. In front of me in the queue was an ass chewing gum and I was thinking if she can make bubbles as well or not. It was a nice pair of ass reading SUN and chewing gum.

When I got to the train, I decided (again with no reason) gaze to the eyes of people like a stubborn donkey. I stopped reading. In front of me was a middle class lady, who didn't like me. maybe because of the nuclear sign on my cap. Also I hit her foot 15.5 times without even moving my leg after each hit. I was like the German army in the beginning of the war; just going forward without compensation.

I started gazing to her eyes. She was trimming her nails. She hit my foot and immediately told me sorry, in her language. In my language it means:

You, fucking foreigner hippie, should have said sorry 15.5 times.

I told to her it's OK in my language. In her language it means:

Fuck you, old bitch...

After 10 seconds gazing at her eyes, I understood that without her nails she is just like a fly without wings. A Blondie fly which you can find everywhere even in Taiwan. She was looking at a magazine full of hair colors, with a Chinese advert.

The nails were telling me, you asshole can't even speak English properly. And I replied back: I know; she is telling me the same.

It was a chav and his slut. I understood that when he told her: You are me love. And she replied back by touching his penis. It was a very nice way of communication actually. It has a universal meaning:

Wait for 2 hours...

A girl came in and sat beside me. It was a tall girl, a horse in my age, with Arab origin. I was reading a book in Persian and she asked me where are you come from? I told her I am from this planet where are you from. She smiled and told me I am from here.

I didn't know that Beirut is in UK. But it is. There are loads of Lebanese tastes in London, from Kebab to girls.

They had something in common though: For all of them you have to pay...

I was in a restaurant although in her eyes.

When I was leaving the train, I was dreaming about a group of blonde flys who are smelling a portion of Chinese rice and Arab lamp kebab from a British restaurant in Tehran and they know that the food is gonna be enough for all.

I looked at my nails and wrote: They need to be cut.

My words as well...

10:45 Birmingham, 1:15 Evin

2007-05-23T12:03:00.000+01:00

"Iran is the only country in which a peaceful philosopher can be labeled as a spy and a human-right activist can be introduced as a traitor" Shirin Ebadi

When I heard that Haleh Esfandiari has been arrested, I immediately remembered my late friend Amir Esfandiari. He had a big belly, a web blog and a profile in orkut. But non of them exist anymore. They expired like his bones.

We have to be optimistic. She is still alive. There are tones of stuff about her in Internet, TV, papers, here and there. But what about him? The difference is just a first name: Amir, Haleh...Surname is the same: Esfandiari

(I remember the last email that he sent to me. A document was attached titled: Joining_Iran_to_WTO.pdf....It was written by him)

There is an ancient Persian belief saying good people die early...He was a good guy. But Haleh is also a good one.

This is a paradox, a logical paradox...

I've discovered that our surrounding is full of paradox. For instance this bloody time which has been sleeping for ages here in this boring office. Time here went to bed at 10:45 (AM or PM, I haven't got a clue) and then immediately froze in the clock. Even a single movement in the bed, nothing. The clock is like a quantum freezer which can take the time temperature down to -273.15 Centigrade, the zero of Kelvin

I was walking to university and constantly complaining about her shoes. Poor girl. It was a very nice weather and I had my "Trout Fishing in America". So it was double sin to go to the office directly. After a while, I jumped on the grass and started reading a short story about a trout who became a terrorist and another one who had a bookshop and the other one who was alcoholic and the one who didn't have condom. I really felt sorry for the last one, actually.

That's why I carry condom as a soldier carry his riffle. There is one always with me. You never know what's gonna happen...Last night I gave one to the moon to have a quickie with a lake. I went for a walk at 1:15 and I saw them in a park nearby hugging each other, touching each other, kissing each other, and well...

- Sorry sir, have you got a condom? She asked me like she was looking for a lighter.
- Yes, Yes. Here you go. I lighted it up for her.
- Are you smoking as well?
- Yes, sometimes.

When I was in late 17 or early 18, three things changed my life. The Doors of Perception, Pinkfloyd and a prostitute called angel-moon; in English, I mean. We were in my friend's house. My friend told me that her vagina is like a lake full of trouts although I was reading about trouts today at 10:45, in Persian though...

This is another paradox, a linguistic paradox...

When I saw the god-damn prostitute, I was a high school kid smelling a naked desire laying down on his friend's bed. Shameless whore had one leg horizontal and the other one up, like 10:45 or 1:15. I knew that I was not comfortable with this position especially for a holy job like fishing. Anyway I had never been that near to a lake in my life. Fishes were jumping out of the lake and my boat were getting bigger and bigger. At the end I understood that the best thing for me (and for lake as well) was just swimming. I took out my cloths and asked her if it is possible to jump in the lake. She told me: "I should never say NO". When I jumped in the lake I could manage to take some fish as well, because I was not stupid.

This is another paradox, a sexual paradox...

Through this time, I mean from a kid to a system freak, I swam in many lakes from all over the world. After I drawn in one, I realized that I should never ever say NO to three things: Having fun, a nice wine or a rolled-up and the truth in any from of existence, if there is any.

This is another paradox, a philosophic paradox...

It was 10:45 in my office and in the whole university. We were still sitting on the grass and she was telling me about that teacher in Basque country which I personally don't know him, (Simply, because I haven't been there in my life) but he was the reason that I met Aiora and Aiora was the reason that I met her and meeting her was the reason that I was sitting with her on the grass at 10:45 Birmingham time. So he is a very important person in my life; very influential.

This is another paradox, a modern paradox...

She went to her office. I spent more time to make sure that going to the office is not a sin anymore and of course I went to my office. The first person who said hello was a dirty bitch called 10:45. I still don't know her surname. AM or PM?

A simple arithmetic made me sure that Haleh should know this cheap old witch as 1:15, now that she is in Evin jail, Tehran. But she doesn't know her surname as well, I mean 10:45 of me and 1:15 of her.

This is another paradox, a perceptional paradox...

"I don't think that you need to know the surname of a prostitute if you want to make a business with her. You just need a number, some money and a horny hard penis"

Such a wise statement. Was it 10:45 or 1:15 when Amir told me that? He was still breathing on that time. He grabbed the phone and dialled an unknown number... The number was not answering...

This is another paradox, an existential paradox...

Into remembrance

2007-05-22T16:17:00.000+01:00

Why I can't remember?
"Being" is not only being together

You promised to bring a bunch of dark purple
Roses from the bright land of your falling tears

Do you remember?

I was in a boat going down all the way
To your chin.

You don't remember, do you?

There are always some trips
Before the journey

A short essay in love

2007-05-22T11:12:00.000+01:00

(To Amir Ghaforian)

Once upon a time, it was a little red penis who loved a hairy black ass. But because the black ass was so hairy, the little red penis could have never ever managed to kiss hairy black ass's lips. Years and years passed and the red penis is still little and the black ass is still hairy.

I've been told that you've stopped reading recently. You also have gone for that crappy life which has been followed for years and years; everybody, everywhere, here and there. I am still free man, I think I still haven't stepped into the shit but I'm not much better. I mean happier. But you know bloody son-of-a-bitch, at least I don't have an hairy black ass. Actually, I have no ass.

Maybe if you start reading again, the dark tropical jungle around your ass is going to burn. So my little red penis can kiss your nice flat ass lips. Who knows?

(We were on that dusty boiling office when you shouted "Long live impossibility"...)

Miss you buddy and take a very good care of your loneliness surrounded by people

Draws of 92, 93, 94

2007-05-22T01:20:00.000+01:00

92.
It is so nice to wake up
In the morning and fart
Without having some one
Who doesn't like the sound

93.
I went up and up in the stream
And down and down in myself
I realized the difference between
You and the others is just a name

94.
The man is lonely here
Under neat of a tree
Which its shadow
Flows up to infinity
Shall I drink more wine tonight?

Hypothesis (After 60,000,000 function evaluations)

2007-05-18T11:17:00.000+01:00

1- Modern world in an infinite scale, infinite agent, dynamic phenomenon.
2- Every agents in the universal modern world can be conceptually described by a system.
3- Systems can be definite, probabilistic, stochastic, fuzzy, gray, or even chaotic.
4- There are some agents in the universal modern world that can be formulated quantitatively.
5- The relationships among agents is a massive connectional system.
6- Each connection by itself is a system.
7- There are some connectional systems that can be described quantitatively.
8- Mathematics is the framework of systems.
9- Mathematics is an element in our knowledge
10- Our knowledge is a layer.
11- Knowledge can be described as multi-dimensional system.
12- There are infinite number of surfaces in this system. The union of these surfaces called universal knowledge.
13- The whole universal modern world CAN NOT described by a systematic knowledge although different modules and connections can be described by a system.

* Personal conclusion regarding to PhD: There is a long way home.

* Personal conclusion regarding to my country: I have to start reading about Franco period in Spain.

* Personal conclusion regarding to my sexual life: It can not be described by a system of knowledge.
(Introduction to complex knowledge: Maybe the universal modern world can be described by a complex infinite scale, infinite agent, dynamic mathematical framework called complex knowledge system in which some properties of systematic knowledge get relaxed: x+iy+jz+.... But this is also another layer, for sure)

* Personal quote of the day: "I've made poetry for 7 years in order to learn how to make a sentence because I really like to write. I think before knowing how to make a sentence, you can't write (Richard Brautigan)''

* Personal philosophy: There is no philosophy. It is all about a certain group of linguistic systems
* Personal state:
No entry.
I Just wrote
a Haiku for you...

* Personal path: . . .

Prophet in the bar

2007-05-17T22:26:00.000+01:00

I saw him. The same person as before...I should say Mr. X was very nice guy. His name was hope....

We talked alot. He wants to leave the country as well. I am happy for him, but what about the country?

- We have nothing for the modern world, nothing.
- Maybe post modernism can help us to survive, just maybe.
- 10,000 years of history shouldn't be vanished

He brought me a book, the same book that I was reading 2 months ago: "Trouth fishing in America". I bought him the same book in English.

We were in the bar when I was telling him:

"I like to think
(and the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.

I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers as if
they were flowers
with spinning blossoms.

I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature,
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters,
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace."

The prophet and Mr. X are getting here...

2007-05-16T17:30:00.000+01:00

I'm in the office, all in black. I've had another trip in the last 48 hours, not that bad. Anyway, I am sure it is gonna come back again. Bad, or good? doesn't make any difference. It is coming.

I was just some steps far from the former house of Ayatollah Khomeini. The steep narrow allays which is typical for north of Tehran....Alborz mountains and the breeze of 7 PM in 16th of May 2004...I was talking with a girl on the phone. Around was full with the voice of Koran. She was in Dubai and I was going to be there the day after.

- Tell my mom to put my swimming suite in the stuff that you are bringing
- OK, So see you tomorrow.
- Why so early? Again you are period?
- No, I am just tired and I am fucking paying the international phone call by my mobile...I see you tomorrow anyway, why you are upset?
- Bye
- Bye

I was tired of her. It was not going well with her, because of that old bitch. I loved her, but she was not my girl. I knew that and I accepted that. She was beautiful, kind and very sexy. Type of girls that being with them give you satisfaction. You admire yourself. But it was a problem (and still is). We were too different in the way of thinking, and that old bitch, I mean her mom.

2 months after that, we broke up. I did miss her badly 5 months after, during XMAS time when I was in England, alone for a month. Such a nightmare it was. No supervisor, no research, all my dreams went to shit, and I was alone. I even cried one night for her. Anyway...

I hanged up the phone. In front of me was a group of 18, 19 years old Bassij militia. Non of them met Khomeini but he was their legend.

They didn't like me. I was sure. I didn't like them as well. I remember several times that we were bitten up by them. It was the era of reform in Iran. Khatami project, talking about democracy, Che, Bob Dylan, right of women, philosophy, poetry, quick loves, and hot discussions and hope. Hope for better days.

It was the last days of that tragic era. We had already lost the game. We had 3 choices. Leave the country, go to jail or shut up. I'd decided to leave. I wanted to see more, more, more...

I was on the door.

- Where are you going?
- I want to see Mr. Prophet
He looked to me for the second times, from bottom to the top. He told to his colleague

- Call Dr. Prophet
And he looked at me again.

- Second floor, room 54
- Thanks

I was in a small empty room. It was a bed, a desk and some books. Nonlinear finite elements, Koran and the images of Bertolucci. Very simple decoration, almost nothing. He was praying. I looked at him. He was not there. I swear that he was not there

- Nice to see you Mr. Nazemi. Sorry for the wait.
- No problem brother. I hope it is accepted.
- I hope god accepts

I was so stressed. He was the only one that I could talk to him. Non of my friends, no one among 12,000,000 samples in Tehran except him.

- Tomorrow I am going to Dubai. I want to apply for US visa.
- I hope the best happens
- You know, last night again the guy said something. It is for the second time. Do you remember the time that I applied for that conference?
- Don't worry Mr. Nazemi. You will reach the point. I know. What about England?
- I don't even think about it. I have no funding from there. After this, I will apply for Canada.
- Enshallah

I looked at his eyes, full of calm. Simple, simple man. Unknown soul for most of the people. Most of them hate him. You know why? Because he looks like a Bassiji. A bad guy. An ass hole. But he is not. He is the best person I have ever met. The most beautiful mind in math, a genius in classic Persian poetry, a good man.

He was my only escape on that day. The only only only one.

All the credit for his belief. Marx said that religion is the opium of mass. Let's agree on that. Is anyone going to ask why Dali used drug, or Winston Churchill used opium when he was 15?
We have to look at the feedback. Religion makes this guy pure. OK, it is not my way. Actually, what is my way? Math, music, bugs, darkness, love, suicide, going to a remote place back home as a teacher, bookshop, PhD, blogging, being rich, writing, what?

I don't know...I don't really know

- OK, thanks for your company. It was a nice walk.
- Don't forget the god in your interview, and I am sure the best is gonna happen. I think you should consider the Birmingham chance as well.
- I hope Colorado and then if not Edmonton. I want to be in Fort Collins. I want.
- Don't fight with your destiny Mr. Nazemi.

We shacked hands. I got a taxi and he was whispering something with himself. He was praying.

After 3 years, and exactly 3 years, he is coming today to Birmingham along with Mr. X. I will see him in 90 minutes. I should admit I am a bit worry about Mr. X. I have to talk with him, the prophet.

Let see...

Draws of 89, 90, 91

2007-05-15T22:40:00.000+01:00

89.
I am, yes, I am
Doing what I can
I am going
keep on growing.

Wait and let
What we'll see

90.
Black, black, black
I'm passing darkness
To reach nothing
Good days and bad
ones are the same;
Absolutely the same

91.
Is it another message from my past?
Are you still there?

Waiting, waiting, waiting

One track of Pearl Jam
At least 100 times today.
I am not kidding...

Working, working, working...

"1, 2, 1, 2, 3
Know a man, his face seems pulled and tense
Like he is riding on a motorbike in the strongest winds
So I approach with tact, suggest that he should relax
But he is always moving much too fast..."

Draws of 86, 87, 88

2007-05-14T23:59:00.000+01:00

86.
There is an office, some lights,
A head and bunch of thoughts

"I am still alive"

87.
3 hours from sun dawn
My soul started to fly
Hoping to keep sun from clouds

From the city down to the cave
Such a master, such a slave

3 hours from London, my mind is free
Taking the boat down to the sea

Such a story never begins

3 hours to sleep, not wanting to be
3 hours to wonder, 3 hours to death
3 hours, 3 days, 3 months, 3 years
And again another 3 hours...

88.
Have you seen the land
Sitting by the breeze?
Have you seen the light
Under neat of trees?

Tell me what have you found
Show me what you have to show

I am still here
Waiting like a blind
When the day is gone
Along with everything
Lost in mine

It is midnight...

4:48 Psycosis

2007-05-13T14:01:00.000+01:00

….
But you have friends,
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
What do you offer?

100, 91, 84, 81, 72, 69, 58, 44, 37, 38, 42, 21, 28, 12, 7

Hatch opens
Stark light

The television talks Full of eyes
The spirits of sight
And now I am so afraid
I'm seeing things
I'm hearing things

.....

Tongue out
Thought stalled

The piecemeal crumple of my mind
Where do I start?
Where do I stop?
How do I stop?

At 4:48
When sanity visits
For one hour and twelve minutes
I am in my right mind
When it has passed
I shall be gone again

Remember the light and believe the light
Nothing matters more

Hatch opens
Stark light

A table, two chairs and no window
Here I am
And there is my body
Dancing on glass
In accident time where there are no accidents
You have no choice
The choice comes after

....

At 4:48
I shall sleep.
What do you offer?

Hatch opens
Stark light

And Nothing
Nothing
See - Nothing
Still black water
As deep as forever
As cold as the sky
As still as my heart
When your voice is gone

I shall freeze in hell

At 4:48
The happy hour
When clarity visits
Warm darkness
Which soaks my eyes
.....

Tindersticks

Draws of 14, 32, 99

2007-05-12T01:32:00.000+01:00

(For Fabian, Andy, Miki, Margie and Yanni. For accepting me in this period. Now I have nine housemates and two houses... Lucky me!!)

14.
"Here is dark, so dark"
The spirit of dead fishes
cried in AN old picture
of a pond.

It was Yanni's house,

Behind the wall was
The moment
that I should meet
"Bastards, I am free"

32.
Multi-cultural ceremony
A guy from army, Tom Waits
Philosopher, mama, and me
Miki was sleeping.
We were laughing
in a language for all distant myths

99.
What remains
When traitors are
Running your country?
All the money that you've made
Is not gonna save your soul
Are you painting me in black?

Easy money, hard rain

2007-05-11T11:45:00.000+01:00

(It was just a dream nine months ago. Then my life was all following the signs of the dream. I did all the stuff...Making love for 10 pence, paying the bills of someone else, searching for the bank, going down to the basement of universe, missing the way back, melting the rose and raining....I saw the last part in the midnight when I was smoking alone in the garden...Now I know what was all about....The chubby girl, the girl in dark, the stairs, the indoor market, the old Persian security, my friends, the old English mentor, the dead town, the empty garden, the concrete table and the rose...Last night it was raining in Birmingham and still is...)

It's difficult, It's very tough.
I said to the man who'd been sleeping rough
To sit within a fragrant breeze

All among the nodding trees
That hang heavy with the stuff
He threw his arms around my neck
He brushed the tear from my cheek
And held my soft white hand
He was an understanding man
He did not even barely hardly speak

Easy money
Rain it down on the wife and the kids
Rain it down on the house where we live
Rain until you got nothing left to give
And rain that ever-loving stuff down on me
All the things for which my heart yearns
Gives joy in diminishing returns
He kissed me on the mouth
His hands they headed south
And my cheek it burned

Money, man, it is a bitch
The poor, they spoil it for the rich
With my face pressed in the clover
I wondered when this would be over
And at home we are all so guilty-sad

Easy money
Pour it down the open drain
Pour it all through my veins
Pour it down, yeah, let it rain
And pour that ever-loving stuff down on me

Now, I'm sitting pretty down on the bank
Life shuffles past at a low interest rate
In the money-coloured meadows
And all the interesting shadows
They leap up, then dissipate

Nick cave

Fluid particle at 5 O' clock in the morning

2007-05-08T05:00:00.000+01:00

It is almost 5 AM and I just got home from the office. My dairy says that the previous time was the last days of November....same story, I mean. Assuming myself as a fluid particle, this period as the time sequence of the process and looking through the process from Navier-Stokes point of view, something is quite obvious: A big change at least in terms of location that I bumped in at 5 AM. I don't really know if it is because of external source or my internal tensor. Is it actually important? Of course not, As a fluid particle who doesn't give a shit to the phyisics of process and just live the last moment, I am much happier now.

its our little penthouse,
we call it our own,
it's got lots of features,
a gold plated phone
and it's all that we've got
to lower the tone at
five o'clock in the morning.

it's cock up and shut up,
it's right and it's wrong,
it's see you tomorrow,
be weak or be strong,
it's hit or be hit,
you know I don't care,
it's five o'clock in the morning.

the red ,white and blue,
it's such a bore,
but it's better than being poor
and it's better than being ignored
at five o'clock in the morning.

so vomit your guts out on the floor,
you know you will be a pawn even though
we are the ones that you adore
at five o'clock in the morning.

Tiger Lillies

Draws of 66,67,68

2007-05-08T02:41:00.000+01:00

66
Life, space, time
Three coins,
Me, me, and me
The one that you know
The one that I know
The one that nobody knows
I (the one in Mud Cafe)
Threw them 6 times.
Is it mutually Independent?

67

The sky

Is a suspended blue ocean.

The stars are the fish

That swim.

The planets are the white whales

I sometimes hitch a ride on,

And the sun and all light

Have forever fused themselves

Into my heart.

There is only one rule

On this wild playground,

"Survive"

68.

Fire behind thunder

Wind through heaven:

I live as all spices

Of human being

to find reality, misery

suffer.

There is no immortality

Today

2007-05-06T20:59:00.000+01:00

Today after a long long time, I looked at my right toe and I smiled. Big bastard. Although it has changed a lot. It is definitely older.

By the way, my words are written. Yes, I wrote them. Wind is waiting for my sentence. My long flight is finished. Trip is done. Although I am not sure where I am gonna land. Doesn't matter, somewhere around. At least in this planet.

Wind should be there, waiting for me. I'm gonna have his lift. I miss him. I am pretty sure that he has carried on playing freaky threesome chess and smoking. What about the old guy? Is he drunk or dead? Never mind, I am not thinking about it anymore. For me, he is under tones of shit either dead or alive...

Next trip is gonna be soon...Very soon...

Neverland

2007-05-03T02:27:00.000+01:00

(For all Persian girls in Iran, who have been torchered by the regime these days just because of their beauty. Sun will shine soon, bare the night a little bit more)

There is no neverland
Even this narrow river
Is not gonna end here.
It is not getting blind
Here, in this old farm.

It Just needs a moment,
spark, to be in a rose or cry
To sit inside a fruit,
Takes a boat and lands
On the other side of
Our world

How do you know?
Anoshe might take it to sky
It might be next year in Venus:
A naive plant will grow beside a stone
How do you know?
A random sheep there
Might fall in love,

and dream our home

And how do you know?
If Persian eyes
were seen by another eye
Named Davinci,
Monalisa might be just a gene
Lost in 7,000,000,000
Human lives.

Neverland is a joke
A hoax for tired ones
Don't worry for bullets
They're gonna be bits of
A poem in my mind.

There is no neverland
Under neat of this thick ice
The body of girls, beauties
Is waiting for the sun.

There is no neverland
Each thought has a route
In another one
Each lie in another lie

Religion in market

Devils in angles

But you are there

Always mine

I wish you realized
That our knowledge
Comes from nothing
And then in another
Nothing makes love
With politics, economy

I wish you knew that
Nothing is so full of us
That there is no place
for dying.

I wish...

But, it is a shame

To realize such flowers

Have no name in Persia

Breakfast diary

2007-05-02T10:54:00.000+01:00

Today...A day like everyday...Waking up, gazing to the ceiling for 5 minutes and then looking through the window...A coffee and a cigarette....Shower...Coming out, Yannis should get up by now...Bullshitting, it can be from symbolic reasoning to farts taxonomy...Uni, music, work, and a missing image...Fading.... Struggling to be focus...A couple of emails from friends...Answer? later....maybe better to say never...Surfing on net...Well, again very wide range from news to I-ching and from world science to awful e-jocks...Never mind, we have different sides, don't we?....Cigarette on the door... If with a company, looking around and bullshiting about the stuff passing, sometimes a bit nasty...If not... fuck, bugs are attacking....Again very wide range....From global warming to my research and from shit in my country to the shit that I stepped on.... Anyway, shit is always there....I have been always there...Going back, work work work...Have you got food? No, shall we?...OK....So Woodstock...A mixture of again wide range of music from Jefferson Airplane to Shakira, nice girls and a couple of friends....If possible, why not?...It cost another coffee...Going back to office....Bugs, fuck them....Surfing on blogs...Reading an article on net to warm up....Work, work with bugs I mean....Tool on background....Toilet and pee...Receiving or sending a text....chatting with a friend, again very wide range, from Japan to Vancouver....Yes, I am ok...Brilliant....How are you?....If it is a girl passed over, different....If it is a close friend, different....Brother, different....Mom, different....You, different....At the end, Who am I?....Of course non of them....Hello bugs, how are you doing?.....Work....When do you want to go home?....Half an hour?....OK...Try to get inspired and bullshit on the blog....What the fuck man, Do you think I am repeating myself?....OK, doesn't matter....But I like writing you know?....Vomiting myself on the screen.... That's the escape for me....Different people, different way of escape....Running, eating, shagging, sniffing, drinking, lying, killing....Yes, it can be all of them....Shall we? give me 2 minutes....Home...Cooking?.... What?....Pasta with tomato sauce with a little bit of wine???!!!....Actually I haven't cooked with wine recently....Anyway, eating....A movie or tele....Some shots and cigarettes....If lucky, some one text you and....If not, Internet or a book....Couple of hours later.....What time is it now? Late, bugs are sleepy and they need to rest....OK, let's go to bed...Bugs are sleeping very fast actually....I am looking at the ceiling.... And then entering to the matrix....Well come home, Ali....

I am gonna miss this shit one day...

Draws of 21,41,65

2007-05-01T12:52:00.000+01:00

21.
It took a pint
To re-realize
Nothing has changed.
Game is over and
You are still there?

41.
Walls and masks
What's the task
For all these crap?
It is addiction,
Isn't it?

65.
A prophet in the garden
A Buddhist in the jail
He is looking for fishes
She is smiling.
I am running...
Where the fuck
is the loo?

Draws of 39,61,69

2007-04-29T10:28:00.000+01:00

39.
Lake was laughing
When the wind blew
Suddenly water got mad
And the mountain froze

61.

Drum helps me

To hear aliens

They are crying:

"Bringing light

With this

Awful sound?"

I am singing:

"My bird

Can fly"

69.

Even pigs and

Fishes know that

This is good shit

You don't believe?

In between of doubt and platform

2007-04-28T18:56:00.000+01:00

When the train reached
To the last station
It was neither a train
Nor a passenger

"I am sorry to announce that
The train arriving from heaven
Has another 10 minutes delay"

"I told you..."
An email was
Just going to say.
Christmas wind
grabbed the letters
And run away

"I am sorry to announce that
The train arriving from heaven
Has another 10 minutes delay"

Did you really stop there?

Draws of 27,76,95

2007-04-27T13:43:00.000+01:00

27.
"Fuck, I forgot"
He broke the chain
Nothing is perfect
River said and
rolled away

76.
Funeral and wedding
Stage and Yannis
A culture of 3 prophets
And a missing picture
From my childhood

95.
Jazz music and
Your voice in my head
Drummer is suffering
And I am flying higher
and higher with your pain
Yours, his and mine,
I mean

Draws of 46,71,83

2007-04-26T18:49:00.000+01:00

46.
Loyal wind touches
Earth's panties
Plants rise, approach
Toward south

71.
In the countdown
for the next global war
An Asian gave me a CD
Full of Irish songs
We were in Digbeth
Birmingham

83.
Black and white
All or none
That's the drug
I fear the most

Draws of 28,29,30

2007-04-26T10:38:00.000+01:00

28.
Wind blows, lake smiles
Tree excites, snail wonks
Rain gets pregnant
Tear comes and cries

29.
Time bends, ceiling falls
World under tones of
Silence

30.
Tree hides
Behind the lake:
Ass holes plus dense tiny mass
Results in a massive magic
mushroom

Draws of 7,8,9

2007-04-24T18:25:00.000+01:00

She smilled behind the bar

What are you after? the cheapest

She came back with a one

Full of zero

I took and pucked 10

8.
I'm going to be rational.
Am I going to be rational?
Is it possible to be rational?
I am sleeping !

9.

My life is not a blank

Which should be filled

Behind all these bullshits

There is a sentence

Write it for me

Draws of 10,13,19

2007-04-24T12:48:00.000+01:00

10.
She went to the fall
Into the picture
On the wall
And left him
A little drop of poison

13.
Moon is full here
Every night
And no one knows
I am back home

19.
Black cat came to
The red room light
He was dreaming a prostitute
She licked his tears and
Disappeared

Draws of 1,2,3

2007-04-23T16:18:00.000+01:00

1.
A finch sat
On a dead tree
Sung, sung
And sung

2.
A flower blossomed
From a far sea
And a river
In another land,
Made up with wings,
And flew

3.
The farm is desert
The tree is dry
The bird is thirsty

IP address, ID card

2007-04-19T20:08:00.000+01:00

Last night someone
Dreamt that space
Became the swelling of time

How come?
The power of words
Is a carol for death
Sung by your tongue

Language vanished us
Blame or lie?
Nowadays we are nothing
More than IP address
ID card

Buddy, free interpretation for "Death of Nazli"

2007-04-19T11:51:00.000+01:00

"Death of Nazli" is one of the identical poems of Ahmad Shamlou.

Buddy,
Spring is giggling
trees are itching
Even in this house
My old spirit flourished
Underneath of the sink

Leave the doubt
Don't fight with darkness
To be or not to be
Specially in spring?!

Buddy said nothing...
Buddy came from black sky
like every morning
And left

Buddy, talk to me
the bird of your silence
Has massacre in her nest

Buddy said nothing...
Buddy was a bit star
Flashed in the darkness
Smiled and left

Buddy said nothing
Buddy was a flower
Blossomed, whispered:
"Winter crashed"
And left into
Darkness

Died in five PM

2007-04-17T02:08:00.000+01:00

When I left
The unquestioned time
Was resting between
You and me

It was five
In the afternoon...

When I'll come back
The dead clock
Will be buried
And the sun should
(It has to)
Be happy with
A little ice cream

That's it...

It is not breezing anymore
All the patient passengers
Crossed the common bridge
The station is empty
The train is gone...

The picture of dead time
Is on the shoulder of wall
Silent...

The passion of delivery boy

2007-04-17T01:46:00.000+01:00

There is no need
To hide it from
Light and star

Go and find your bowl
It is dinner time

I suppose to bring
A bright portion
Of river's Shadow
To this cottage;
I mean here

Is here your house?

Trip

2007-04-17T00:24:00.000+01:00

Beyond the sea

There is a town

A boat should be made

Sohrab Sepehri

Positive thinking

2007-04-13T10:30:00.000+01:00

I was walking toward uni and a black bird shited on my T-shirt. I was happy that bulls are not flying!!!

Night song

2007-04-11T01:14:00.000+01:00

It is not a hoax:
The woman from the
Extreme of wish who
Orders my soul dish

Her elbow is from moon
Her skirt is from sky
And her hair is from
That infant sun
Which my grand child will
Certainly make a castle
From its light

It is not a story:
The woman who passes
The road of sin
The body which flies
With flames of heat
And by passion
And lips bites me
In a noughty dream

It is not a book:
It is a song
Which echoes
In the body of night

Nameless

2007-04-10T16:23:00.000+01:00

I wasn't that strong
You were so weak
To smash me by
Your bop

Shine...

Our assets
Last forever:
(I have nothing rather than mine
You have all except some wine)

Fine...

I pointed to the moon
You looked to my finger

Well done...

Walk in the green

2007-04-09T18:53:00.000+01:00

I was in green. Endless green land of my dream was as vast as the chest of universe. I was timeless, walking in the bushes. Nobody was around. No voices, no clouds was above. On the ground the massive army of ants, coming back from the battle of spring, were singing the hymn of glory. I was alone, as always...

I was thinking about nothing. I was just amused by the green and the smell of bushes. I didn't even look to the sky. Earth was enough. I was enjoying being on the earth even as a tiny particle. I was nothing, but happy...

I was approaching toward a tree in the horizon, all white full of flowers. I was crawling toward it like a horny snake. It was my destiny, the reason for all of these. The tree was smiling and gently moving her hair in the breeze. My heart was beeping like a World War-II German alarm clock. My eyes were locked. My ears could just hear my breathing, harmonic sound of nature, full of desire.

I reached to the tree. The only thing that I found was a telephone; black, old fashion, with freaky ring.

- Yes?
- Ali, Where are you?
- I am in the green. What's up?
- Well, when are you gonna be in the house?
- Yours, or mine?
- Yours, I guess.
- OK, I'll be there in a while.
- Thanks mate.

I was running in the narrow walk toward my house. It was dark, not completely though. It was the beginning of night.

Yannis was smoking on the door. Rene and Rudi were sitting. Silence was the only topic for talk. Golden fishes were asleep. They have been in hunger strike these days. They are not eating at all; but they can manage to shit. They are kidding with mass balance theory, I suppose. Real rebel guys, God bless them. If we had ten million like them, world would be much nicer.

- The baby is dead, Yannis said.

She opened her eyes full of tears. I sat down and whispered in her ears.

- No problem, next time...

Manifest

2007-04-09T14:08:00.000+01:00

I am an accident
A messy melody
For you, perhaps
A dirty pig or even
A reason to be sick...

I am me:

I see myself,
I hear myself,
I think myself...

Up to the end
When I am here
The world is mine:
My little toy box
With all peace,
All loves,
All pains,
But
All alone...

After I'm gone
OK, (who cares?)
It's yours...

If you like see with me
Or let me see with you
Tell me, or let me tell you
Our peace,
Our love,
Our pain,
Our lone...

Easter holiday

2007-04-07T21:44:00.000+01:00

She was with a nice cut, white long skirt with no socks and a green All-Star trainers. Big black eyes with a dark green jacket made her even sexier. We suppose to go to the town, but of course we did not.

It's always going like that...

- Your loneliness is so massive...It is so obvious in your words.
- Fare enough. Yeah, you are right.
- It is scary, you know? But at the same time it is kind of interesting. Have you got a girl?
- If I had, you were not here.

We were looking to the amazing sunset in the garden. She was breathing so soft while sitting on my legs. I was busy with my thoughts. She was calm, satisfied.

- What do you think about me?
- You? I don't know. I've just met you a couple of times.
- But I told you.
- What?
- You are alone.
- And you are so girl.
- Really?
- I think so.

I was sick of talking. I just wanted to touch the transparent vapors of feelings while staring to the battle of sunset. Vapors made a small cloud above us.

She was kissing me gently and I was waiting for the next rain. I really wish that I was instead of her. She was simpler, thus happier.

Re-booting the system

2007-04-05T18:14:00.000+01:00

Mathematics is the body of knowledge centered on concepts such as quantity, structure, space, and change. It evolved, through the use of abstraction and logical reasoning, from counting, calculation, measurement, and the systematic study of the shapes and motions of physical objects. Mathematicians explore such concepts, aiming to formulate new conjectures and establish their truth by rigorous deduction from appropriately chosen axioms and definitions. Mathematics is used throughout the world in many fields, including science, engineering, medicine and economics. These fields both inspire and make use of new discoveries in mathematics. The application of mathematics to such fields is often called applied mathematics. Mathematicians also engage in pure mathematics, or mathematics for its own sake, without having any practical application in mind; although applications for what began as pure mathematics are often discovered later.

Winter

2007-04-04T22:29:00.000+01:00

They are not going to answer your greeting
Their heads are in their collars
Nobody is going to raise his head
To answer a question or to see a friend
The eyes cannot see beyond the feet
The road is dark and slick
If you stretch a friendly hand towards anybody
He hardly brings his hand out of his pocket
For the cold is so bitter
The breath coming out of your chest
Turns into a dark cloud
And stands like a wall in front of your eyes
While your own breath is like this
What do you expect from your distant or close friends?
My gentle Messiah, O, dirty dressed monk
The weather is so ungently cold
You be warm and happy
You answer my greeting and open the door
It is me, your nightly guest, an unhappy gypsy;
It is me, a kicked up, afflicted stone
It is me, a low insult of creation, an untuned melody.
I am neither white nor black
I am colorless
Come and open the door, see how cheerless I am
O, my dear host, your nightly guest is shivering outside
There is no hail outside, no death;
If you hear any sound, it is the sound of cold and teeth.
What are you saying, that
It is too late, it is dawn, it is day?
What you see on the sky
Is not the redness after dawn
It is the result of the winter's slap
On the sky's cheeks
O, partner go and get the wine ready
Days and nights are the same
They are not going to answer your greeting
The air is gloomy, doors are closed,
The heads are in collars, the hands are hidden,
The breaths are clouds, the people are tired and sad,
The trees are crystallized skeletons, the earth is low-spirited
The roof of the sky is low
The sun and moon are hazy
It is winter.

Mehdi Akhavan-Sales

Shocking night stand and release of British soldiers

2007-04-04T21:20:00.000+01:00

There is no boiling bubble anymore. Nothing. The internal conversation has been stopped. There is an absolute silence in the form of a general awareness. I was just stocked, exhausted, knocked. That's it.

There is no way to look back. There is no way to find the answers. There is no way to ask new questions. There is no way to justify. There is no way to label actions. I was as right as I was wrong. Everybody else can do the same. I did the same. I will do the same.

We have to turn the way, both of us, three of us, all of us...Answers are coming after the next crisis. We have to come back to the practical level. We have to be prepared for next crisis. Instead of looking for the truth, we should define plausibility, a subjective signal...The path that we have been and we are going.

There is no good, there is no bad. There is no devil, there is no angel. Everything is the matter of degrees and degrees are measurement. Measures are fact but not truth. Facts are biased. They are just some reflections passing from a goggle.

Maybe there is no truth. There is still not enough evidence.

I have to take care of my fragile awareness. Nothing was fault. Nobody was wrong. History goes in its own way and destiney is a potential choice; Just a quasi-choice.

Down the corner, I have a friend

2007-04-03T11:37:00.000+01:00

Down the corner I have a friend,
In this gloomy city of Brummy accent,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year will be gone.
And I never see my friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
She (He) knows I like her (him) just as well,
As in the days when I rang her (his) bell.
And she (he) rang mine but we were younger,
fresher then.

And now we are busy, tired beings.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
Sometimes even pissed off,
But that's just a face.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on her (him)
Just to show that I'm thinking of her (him)."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Down the corner, or miles away,
what's the difference?
"Here's the email sir (ma'am)," "She (He) flew today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Down the corner, a vanished friend.

Peace with all around...

2007-04-01T18:25:00.000+01:00

The path is there and so clear...The door is open and I am in the kitchen...He is cooking (Miguel would say cocking). The smell of vinegar is every where....Even in my pocket...

Somebody is singing about liberty...Good old high school days; innocence, childishness, nothingness...

They came with a loud mobile ring and then an unknown language, but you know what is going on....Do you know how I can get to the nearest bank? But today is sunday. I don't really care show me the way...

I've been through it before. Faces are boiling, coming up and fading. I am just watching every possible things. From past, from now, from inside and from outside. Watching is tough job, I know.

TV is fucked up, brain damaged. On and off. On and off. On and off.

Moments are getting deeper, longer, wider. Kitchen is full by different bubbles of feelings. They are approaching to me. It seems that they are just attracted by me. Advancing, touching my skin and then a massive sudden silence crying: BANG. Everything is fading and then it is absolute darkness or brightness. You never know which one is coming. Black or white? Just extremes, extremes, extremes....

Fuck...I have to keep on watching...The TV is again off....Yanniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Loneliness with all around, peace with all around, anger with nobody around....And now is friends...Which episode? I don't know....

The smell of vinegar converting to Teen Spirit and it is not coming out of the pot, but from HI-FI...Is it right? Yes, it is nirvana. How come? Modern world, total illusion somehow....

He closed the door and continued his words. Words are capturing the feelings from a separated island. Green, friendly with full of shopping.

Next war...Next month...Next job...Next life...One day, sooner or later. Does it really matter? Sometimes.

And I have to keep on watching...The TV is on instead of off....Even no reason to shout Yanniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Sunday sun is cold and freezing. Spring is here although she is sometimes so chicky.

Sleep while awake

2007-03-28T15:33:00.000+01:00

Here, on the stone

On my back, massive

Lemony landscape

And in front, sea

Is calling me

I look quite absent

Even though sharply aware:

I am coming, I am going

And at the end, I'll realize

Everything was similar

And at the same time

Was not

The sky was brightly blue

And now it is cloudy gray:

I used to wear white with

Dark hair, and today

I am in dark with

White head

I am coming, I am going
I doubt that I was sleeping

Wondering if I was dreaming

Sleeping, dreaming

Dreaming, sleeping

The smell of lemon leaves

Taste like the bitter

Spirit of condom

And in front, sea

Is calling me

I doubt that I was sleeping
Wondering if I was dreaming
Sleeping, dreaming
Dreaming, sleeping

But everything is similar

And at the same time

Is not

Farhad Mehrad

Delicate sound of silence

2007-03-26T22:05:00.000+01:00

Silence is an infinity
An ocean with a sandy
Yellow bright coast
Carring on all the horizon
With no end up to sky

Silence is like a bath
In which pain and relief
Sadness and happiness
Make love, so passionate
With no condom whatsoever
Pure, wild, wet, loud
And then going to bed
Quite peacefully devastated

Silence is like a lyric
A potential song
Which never played
Can be an elegy, ode
Quartet, Sonata
But at the end
It is noting than a stage
And a group of shapeless
Colorful instruments

Silence is my voice,
Silence is your words
When you are noting
Or something even less
When I am everything
Or sometimes even more

Silence is mine
Silence is yours
It is my heart beat
Your breath
While we are both
Smiling to death

Late hibernation in the last days of winter

2007-03-19T18:20:00.000Z

No inspiration,
No time,
No progress,
No temptation,
No enlightment.

I am gonna go through my Karma diet. No writing for a while. Just listening to my silence and assessing my numbers.

This blog will be switched off for a little while.

A reason for writing

2007-03-16T16:13:00.000Z

(To my mom)

My life appears to me as unnatural, uncertain and incredible as the shape of this surface that my numbers have just created. It seems that the numbers have been a painter, perhaps so perfectionist, to make this fine fine detail of chaos. Now that I look at this artistic design of fake virtual plateau of life, it seems so familiar; perhaps it is because of this design that I write or maybe this design makes me write.

You know your son very well and I know my numbers, my feelings very well. There is no reason for your tears although they are the most beautiful birds in my life. Make them free in a real nice shiny sky, not a day like tonight.

Life is all game as you reminded me. Linguistically, mathematically or psychologically. I am still willing to play, to be winner or a loser.

I love you.

Fire festival of chahar shanbe souri

2007-03-13T22:14:00.000Z

Flaming cycle of forms never ends. It is evolving with the movement toward the truth, because the truth is reforming with changes of concepts that create all forms in our mind.

There is no form outside. Forms are just a crashing unstable bridge of mind linking mankind to the mother earth, father sky; a noisy, uncertain medium between internal and external butterflies. We smell the reality by our mind. We mine it by our mind, filter it by our mind and choose just a bit of it by our mind.

Fire is untouchable. An uncatchable nostalgic image of heaven that we can just stare to its transforming shadows from far far away and wonder with wide open eyes knocked out by mighty echoes of flaming punches.

Life is an endless motion. Truth is an unexpected momentary lightening of gray emotions resulted by our motion. When you identify yourself in the messy bunch of colorful forms around. When the scary debate of concepts stops with the cracking sound of silence and suddenly you find yourself floating weightless in the infinite horizon of noting; no form, no shape, full of emptiness. Just the soft crystalline breeze of awareness smiles at you and invites you passionately to dance with her in the eternal moonlight, naked, pure, animal.

I am sick of doubt.

Let's fly and fade in this starless dawn. I want to make love with two angels in the sky. One is blond, the other is dark.

Come on, I show you good time. Give me your burning hand of red shine and I give you the yellow kiss of my blue thoughts. We can be a coral song, a united whisper in a black hopeless night.

Let's drown in the ocean of time. Let's go down and down to be eaten by the green submarine of our ego child.

Come on...

Waiting for the Godo

2007-03-12T14:28:00.000Z

I was waiting for him 24 hours ago. I did everything but nothing came instead of him. It was Sunday and his reason was understandable.

Today he came, not him actually but his parcel. Some minutes ago while I was replying to that email from friend of mine in the sky. I read his email several times while I was sleeping. He was somehow upset with me. I was reading his email and he was in the corner of my room standing in his usual way. He could never ever give a shit to anything.

"Ali, you are so bloody conservative !!" His eyes was full of hate and comedy.

I opened the parcel from Godo. Inside were a dark blue card and a mirror. Card was empty full of nothing and the mirror was full of me. I looked beautiful there. With shinny deep eyes and a fade smile. It was after a long long time.

Certain amount of pain makes us more beautiful. I remembered the last phone chat with Godo:

"Never wait for me...I am coming."

Nick Cave was singing just for me. I closed the big smile of my remembrance. I put the mirror on my heart-shaped box and the card as well. I didn't lock it. It was not necessary. Nobody has the access to it. It is just me who knows where exactly I should look for it, although everybody can see it. When you see something regularly you never look for it properly. You just live with it and that's it.

Norouz is coming in few days. New days, new ways but it is the first time that I am not waiting for it. That's why she is coming so nice and gently toward me.

Thanks for the parcel Godo and thanks for your email Amir, my earliest bud who is playing with angels in the sky.

I opened the ancient door of my tribe and jumped in the bright road of nothing but my image in the mirror.

Let's see...

Metaxa is speaking

2007-03-12T04:02:00.000Z

Tonight we understood that:

1- The future of the world is something that can be so tragic. (After that she went to sleep; I think she scared of our deconstructive conversation from the beginning. Very wise of her actually)
2- We are not the people who take apart in this tragedy. we are just gonna be the observers.
3- We are all bullshitting, although we might not be aware of it.
3- We are all cheating. Why? Because we are bullshitting. In order to bullshit, you have to cheat.
4- We ( I mean me and him up to some extent) are not cheating in very emotional level. The game have some rules indeed.
5- As far as we are winner in our game (in other word in our cheating) we are happy.
6- People are cheating in different ways.
7- People might not aware of cheating. But all people are doing it.
8- Death is gonna happen either when you are not expecting it or you are ready for it.
9- I am not ready for it.
10- I want to sleep...
11- good night buddy, see you tomorrow.
12- I am alone again.
13- is not a lucky number.
14- I have to work on my SO WHAT philosophy.
15- I am driven by my feelings. My logic is the tool to justify them.
.
.
.
n- I don't remember it.

Nothing symphony in three movements

2007-03-11T14:01:00.000Z

Sundays are so tough recently....For me, sundays become the visual meaning of nothing....Nothing is every where, in the sky, in the way to uni, in the office and in mine. Nothing, nothing, nothing and at the end nothing. Such a massive world of feelings is the space defined by nothing, with no dimension, no axis, no origin. Geometrically nothing, Mathematically nothing, physically nothing, philosophically nothing.

I feel nothing, a huge zero in myself. Now I can understand why zero multiply everything gives zero even when it is sitting next to infinity. Positive or minus doesn't make any difference. Nothing is a black-hole of everything. Drains everything inside, fades all the characteristics and gives another identity which is nothing. You become part of it.... So mysterious state of mind it is. Being part of something although it is nothing.

Today I am nothing, absolutely nothing; A 66 Kg mass of zero, a lost worthless particle spinning around the spiral of nothing.

In this terrible mess of nothing, Nothing divide by nothing, gives infinity. The strange infinity out of nothing makes the computers work days and nights; memories save millions of nulls, numerical genome of nothing, which at the end build a wonderful infinity....A black canvas with millions even billions of hot colourful dots. A boiling space of infinity out of nothing. A tiny bit, an interval, an oasis of immortality in the middle of no where. The room that god stays and does nothing. A paradoxical solaris. A cubic bubble that you can see but it is nothing cause its origin is nothing. A glourious visable representation of nothing. Nothing's illusion, that's infinity.

Nothing can build up an infinity, a big bang, the foundation for existance although for nothing.

I exist so I am nothing or I am nothing so I exist? That's another issue beyond my numbers. I just know that I can be existing even for nothing.

Indeed sundays are tough for me. The reason is nothing and nothing else is the reason.

Friday night out

2007-03-09T18:51:00.000Z

Birmingham raises
On the green gloomy
Main land of an island.
Colorful, smokey, working
Class oriented, wet, windy
Red brick sort of houses
Buildings full of chavs
and chubby women

I am living in one
Used to be my
Source of pain
Nostalgia, dreams
Of my ego child
Recently sacrifice,
An exercise to
Forget without smile.

Cry, terrible cry
Shout, loud shouts
The story of inside
Outside dead flower
Waits for drops of
Fake love with no clouds
Lost in thoughts
Sounds of past
Pure illusion somehow
And so so dark
Oh, my god
that's the reason
For any why.

I am bored, alone
Trip to the town
I know that's not
Right but never mind
Broad street comes out
of the gutter, shallow flirts
Boobs in limelight

Fuck,
that's our modern life

Money, trend,
girls, madness
Change my mood
from great to sadness.

Money, trend,
girls, madness
Change my mood
From great to sadness.

Happy woman day

2007-03-08T11:02:00.000Z

Before starting my day, I want to emphasize my great sympathy with women back home who are in in Evin jail now for just asking their rights in an absolutely democratic way. They are in hunger strike now, hunger of food and rights.

I want to send all my regards to women who suffered for their soul, for their love and their child. To my mom, to my all female friends and the one who was not OK when I left the house.

Little girl,
I just wanna
Make you sure
By my eyes
And my soul:
Air is that light
Light stuff
Around your head
And whenever you smile
Gets lighter

I hope for better days and continuous smile for all people; good ones, worthy ones....Happy woman day.

On screen now

2007-03-07T12:13:00.000Z

(Right now, with no reason I killed 2,000,000 evolving codes on my office PC. Shift+Del; Quite an easy job!!)

Once in an old old time
Death was a hunter.
He was strong, young
Wild, sharp, inherently Wise
Like a sword made in sky

Now he is a director
A real Avaunt-guard
Slim, tall, hunch backed
With bright blue eyes
Taking you through
Stairs of sounds, images
dark gray blur light
Perceptions and smiles.

When you reach to the top
You are wondering
That was the job?
Whole an accidental
Cycle of laugh and cry,
Thunders in green yellow
Red purple rarely white
Which was a random
Reflectional function
Of A filter, a tragic
Black-box Called life.

Buy 1 get 1 free

2007-03-05T22:36:00.001Z

Fear, sometimes
invites you to
Watch a movie.

He hands you a paper
Asking for an address
Which nobody knows
In the film that
You are watching
Or even the one of
The next ones
that you're gonna see.

He comes with
Black long suit
Quite trendy fake
Second hand charity
And a black Orange
Mobile phone
Just to make sure
That the tickets are
Gonna be cheap.

He invites you
Just on Wednesdays
2 tickets for price of 1
Buy 1 get 1 free
That's his philosophy.

So in his calender
Everyday is today
And of course
Today is Wednesday
Although for you
It is Tuesday
Maybe Thursday
Or even no day.

If you ignore his generosity
he waits just in the corner
Even closer than your ears
And farts all the time
Like my bored colleague
You should ask him kindly
(Actually both)
To eat more veggies
For the next time
He is coming .

He never answers
If you ask him
Why me? why me?
All smell, Silence
And mystery
Just like
The Dark side
Of Miss Shiny
Moon After
Falling in stinky mire.

Greenman gents room

2007-03-04T16:35:00.000Z

And we were together again
On both sides of the table
Waiting for our Sunday lunch
The distance was just
One hand and something

But we are far far now

(Cause I am pissing in
Greenman gents room.
You did the same
couple of minutes ago
Not in the same room though
As a result, Oh,
It seems that I am
Writing a report)

You are drowning in your dreams
And me in my being
So the distance between me and you
Is as far as pissing and dreaming

But when you are not with me
The shitty smell of not-being
(Piff, The smell of next
toilet is awful)
Destroys my dreams
That's why we are both
Being, Waiting and
Dreaming

Bad boy in the sunday cell

2007-03-04T16:21:00.000Z

Today, I think,
I am fed up of living

I woke up
After an unpleasant dream
Then I went to kitchen to
See another tragedy.

I even went out of myself
To see the sun
But it was pissing

I stepped in to office
And what do you expect
Of course
Whole 10 days work
Went to shit
I came back home
It was pissing
We took the bus
It was pissing
We got off in a
Wrong stop and
It was pissing
She was pissed off
Although it was pissing
And I'm in this cell
It is still pissing

I am wondering
Among this 7,000,000,000
talkative mammals in this planet
Who is not pissing at me

Today I am fed up of living
And continuous cycle of pissing
I am soaked
Like the word
"Piss"

Just a break

2007-03-02T00:08:00.000Z

I haven't moved out yet. Swimming was crap. Work was relatively good. I didn't go to Yoga. Chinese dinner was divine and a girl in cafe-shop after 5 minutes chat told us she is ready for everything. Jesus Christ!!! Such an ordinary day was today.

I read two short stories, which wasn't that bad and an article about the relationship between creativity and mental dis-orders. Apparently 70% of all American writers after world war-II have suffered from kind of mental dis-orders. What the fuck man.

I met that Spanish girl in GYM at train station. She was with her boyfriend. I think she likes him. He likes her as well. She recognized me promptly and well, we had some eyes contact. Why did I write that? Aha, I wanted to say SO WHAT...

We were talking about belief, possibility and probability with Miklos and Bowei and that Chinese director (what was her name? This Chinese language is wow) in lunch time and he told me about Murphy rules. He knows what makes him happy. Piano...

I still don't know.

I also listened to Ballet 1 to 4 of Klaus Shultz. This guy is good but repeating himself a lot. But that's the thing, I think. Beethoven did the same as well as Bach and Vivaldi. So yeah, I enjoyed Ballet 1-4.

I want to work hard again. I feel it somehow. Music, office, being alone, work, and some thoughts in the background. I want them back all together.

Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. Some business in the morning then teaching and in the night partying in former Aiora's house. I miss this girl.

I hope she's gonna be better till Easter. Let see...

I am in the plane now

2007-02-28T12:14:00.000Z

Miguel was here last night. It was nice to see him. We were walking in the same path that we were taking everyday, from office to home. He was talking about his new life, but both of us were in our memories. Nice old days...

He left in the morning after a couple of farts.

- See you soon buddy. I am gonna call you
- Thanks man.
- Go down and see Carmen. She is looking forward to see you
- I will mate. At some points.
- Remember: 27 th of February was not an easy day for me as well.
- I know buddy. I can remember those days.

I was still in the transit room. The flight was ready. The counter was going to be open in a while. No delay whatsoever.

Life dressed up as a flight staff. I should say, she was much nicer with this out fit. It gave her sort of character. And wow, this girl is sexy.

Counter got open. She was behind the counter checking flight cards and passports.

- Oh Ali, you are flying with us then
- Yes, But I thought that you are a passenger not a flight staff.
- Well, Sometimes I am staff, sometimes I am passenger, sometimes I am pilot. It depends to the situation.

She smiled again. I felt something in my stomach. Maybe butterfly effect as chaos theory says.

- So you are quite a chaos.
- Chaos? I told you my name is Life.
- But you are quite chaotic.
- I have no idea what are you talking about.

My stomach made a drastic noise. She came very near. I could smell her perfume.

- I think you are more chaos than me, little Ali. Life can make chaos but it is not chaos. It is Life. A woman that you want to have her, touch her, and sleep with her. But I am expensive, you have to chase me if you want me and of course you need a little bit of luck as well.

She brought her lips near to my ears. I could hear her breathing. The sound of life. Wow, I want her.

- Go and take your sit baby. And be careful how you deal with me. You have a long flight, OK?

I was shocked and not able to say any word. She took her eyes from me and said:

- Next please.

I was pushed to the plane by the pressure of queue behind me. I am in the plane now. I am just a little bit anxious. She was not happy with her peer review. Let's see what they are going to tell her. Offf...

Where the hell is Miguel?

2007-02-27T19:07:00.000Z

I am waiting from 5 PM. Now it is 7:10 and there is no news from this guy. It is funny, I am pending and I have feeling to work more than any time in the last 1 month.

I am hungry too. Very much actually.

Life is in the other side of the room. She is taking her cafe and reading the news. She is sexy, but blonde. I think I like her somehow but I am trying to avoid any eyes contact. It is still very early to make any conversation. Let's see what's gonna come up.

I am reading the book given by the wind:

"chaos theory describes the behaviour of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under certain conditions exhibit a phenomenon known as chaos. In ecology, chaos theory can explain how small random events may affect large ecosystems in an unpredictable way. Among the characteristics of chaotic systems, described below, is the sensitivity to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, the behaviour of systems that exhibit chaos appears to be random, exhibiting an exponential error dispersion, even though the system is deterministic in the sense that it is well defined and contains no random parameters. Examples of such systems include the atmosphere, the solar system, plate tectonics, turbulent fluids, economics, population growth, and the vast variety of dissipative structures. Some radical advocators of chaos theory claim that in a certain level of observation, all representives of natural life are chaotic systems"

- Oh Ali, You are here.

What the fuck. Life is standing 1 meter far from me.

- Yes, I am waiting for my flight. Actually first my friend and then my flight.
- So you like F words. Friend, Flight and ....

I take a deep breath. She is so chicky.

- Just kidding. You know, airports are kind of boring places. You just want to leave them. By the way, what are you reading?
- A book about my problems.
- Your problems? What kind of problems you have.
- I don't really know.
- So you have many problems
- Somehow
- OK, I will leave you to read. Hope to see you again
- Thanks, same here

She smiled and left. People are moving like waves. It is so so crowded here; a real chaos.

There is still no news from Miguel. It is 7:30. I am upset, hungry and pending.

I am not gonna see Wind for a while. But I will be with Life, chaos, pen and picture

2007-02-27T16:01:00.000Z

I gave all of my expectations to Wind. They were so heavy and if I wanted to take them as well, I should pay the fortune for them.

- So what should I do with them?
- I don't know. Give it to somebody who needs them.
- Charity then?
- I don't know man. It is too late to talk about it. I might miss the flight.

My flight number was pi, from mine to the other side of mine. I was just a little bit worry about the happy couple. I wanted them to leave and then fly. I hope they leave today or tomorrow.

- But you did your job man, no worries.

I was in the queue for the security check. It was a long long queue. We were still in the green zone so Wind was also nearby. He is marvelous friend, I should say.

- Did you say something?
- No man, I was just thinking about the flight.
- Don't think about it. Just do it.
- I know. I am already in the queue. There is no way back.
- But anyway man. I want you to keep them for your flight.

He put his hand into his pocket. He took a small book, a picture and a pen. He gave them to me.

- What the fuck man, I am not going to die. I will come back for sure.
- I know, but you are gonna need them in your trip.
- Man, this is very nice of you.

The small book was about Chaos Theory.

- I gave it to you to forget your expectations here. I am gonna take care of them or give them to a proper person. Just don't forget; You are responsible to read the book. Nobody is going to read it instead of you.
- I know man.
- And I think you have to solve the last 2 problems by yourself and with your common scenes. There is no information in the book about them. Just keep your nose open.

I took a look to the problems. The first one was a page full of scrambled letters and symbols from all languages and cultures. From C++ to Sanskrit and from complex numbers to set theories.

- This is the whole written knowledge of mankind. Try to find your sentence there.
- Data mining then?
- Sort of, but not exactly the same. I told you; there is no solution. You should build the whole procedure by yourself.
- OK, I'll try.
- You are not gonna come back with out the solution, you know?
- Yeah, I know.

The second problem. The page was empty.

- And the second problem man. It is about future. You have to draw your future in this page. You can come back without solving this problem. But you should at least sketch some lines there. You can do it actually when you are coming back, after solving the first one. The pen is for that.

- OK. But I have no fucking idea.
- Nobody has. That's why you should solve it.
- Fuck you man, when there is no problem, how can I have a solution?
- That's the thing. You should define the problem by yourself.
- One time I did it man, it is enough for my entire life.
- You think so?

I looked to the picture that he gave me.

- This picture is going to talk to you sometimes. It is real. Don't think that you are dreaming. It is you.

The picture was a picture of an infant in the arms of her lady fantasy. He continued:

- Sometimes let the pen to write by itself and the picture to talk by itself. Just give them the chance. This is your hint buddy. You are gonna solve the problems, I am sure.
- And if I didn't?
- You are not coming back then.
- Are you coming with me?
- No. I can't smoke in the plane. But I'll wait in the airport to give you a lift back home. I'll continue playing chess with that guys and drinking with drunk grandpa. He is a cool guy. He spent all of his life in the airport though. You are not gonna ended like that.
- I know. I don't want.
- Did you take your spirit.
- Yes, it is in my valet.
- OK then, Don't spend it too much.
- I am not gonna spend the spirit at all.
- Never say that, you never know. But remember what Maria told you.
- I tattooed it on my body.
- So you are not gonna forget it.
- No
- Good then.
- I gave the stamp back. I went there yesterday.
- Was she upset for the stamp?
- Not at all. She said that she was sure that "It's gonna be back"

We were following the queue toward the yellow zone.

- OK man, I leave you with your flight and your dreams. Just...
- Just what?
- Are you sure that you take everything?
- I am never sure, you know?
- Yeah,
- But I am kind of sure.
- If you need something ask.
- From whom.
- I don't know, just ask. Somebody is gonna respond.
- Are you sure?
- Fuck you man, You are never sure and you want me to be sure?

He was right. We hugged each other. I am not gonna see him for a while. That's life. She was a girl in the queue. She looked at me. I looked back. She smiled. I smiled.

- What's your name?
- My name is Life. And yours?
- Ali
- Nice to see you Ali.
- And nice to see you Life.

Wind disappeared. But I was sure where he was. Somewhere in this old planet smoking. It was me, Life, and a long queue to take the flight and some stupid dogs who are proud to be the security. Airports are dark comedy, particularly in this country.

This sunday Rene is cooking

2007-02-25T19:27:00.000Z

I paid the bills of our house so now we don't have any problem regarding to happy couple. They are going to leave.

- It was nice play man.

Somebody said it quickly. Was it Rene?

- Rene is cooking for you guys now. He is in the kitchen.
- Was it you?
- Me?

Wind came in with an envelope.

- No, It wasn't me. I was out.
- You bought the ticket, ha?
- Youp, here you go.

I checked the date. Everything was OK.

- Is there any need for reconfirmation or something?
- No man, Maria reconfirmed it. Here is the stamp.
- Fucking hell man, you brought the stamp by itself. You are crazy.

I remembered all the good times that I was there. Nice pictures in my mind. Specially one night. I was in love that night.

I looked at Maria's house number. I gave a miss call to her.

- Hola, Ketal?
- Bien, Come in Ali.

I came in and stood up near the door. She was putting her jacket.

- So see you later Maria.
- Take care, OK?
- I will

We walked over. We crossed the street.

- Did you open yourself?
- Somehow.

It was hard to say her about my flight. But I had to do it. Wind was looking at the picture of her lady fantasy.

- How was your date man? You were running to university station like an Olympic gold medallist.
- She is a lovely girl.
- Yeah, Rosa told me the same.
- What did she tell you?
- That she is trying her best to run out of it.

Rosa's eyes was fantastic. Shinny, bright, brave, passionate and honest. I think that's why she could talk about it freely.

- Love makes you free, ha man?
- Yeah, because when you are truly in love, you have noting left to lose.
- So that's why you are flying.
- Yeah, man.
- But noting is an heavy word although it is noting.

I looked at the drunk old guy over the bar. His flight was cancelled and he should wait a little bit more. Actually how much time should he wait?

- I think another life.

Wind was shouting from the smoking area. He was with 2 other guys playing stupid threesome chess and smoking.

I took my backpack. I gave it to Wind to go for check-in. I should go to the kitchen to join the others for dinner. Today Rene is cooking. Bowei is not coming. Yanni and Margarita have another plan. Happy couples will be invited, I suppose. Craig is not coming because he is not sexually match.

Nice, garlicky meal. Even my room with closed door is smelling. I just remembered that piece of paper in her cave.

- Deal?
- Positive +++

Both of us should go through it. I want to hear her clicking even I am sure it is never gonna be for me.

- Never say never. Remember your granny.
- She was believing in angles; you know? I don't.
- But you believe in math, don't you?
- Yes
- Life is chaos man.
- And mathematically chaos can make miracles.
- Here you go.
- But nobody knows, chaos is unpredictable.
- Miracles are unpredictable too. You see?

Craig was laughing outside of my room. Wind was right. Miracles are all sort of things that you don't expect them. If we have no expectation then we give the chance to miracles to happen.

The CD finished and repeated itself again. I have to go to kitchen. Dinner is gonna be ready in some minutes.

Today is for today

2007-02-23T10:23:00.000Z

I was in the engagement party last night. Do you remember?

- Yeah, You mean Mrs. Brick and Mr. Mirror?
- That's right?
- I was there too
- What? I couldn't see you
- Because I am wiped out. You told me. Do you remember?

And I remember that I met Wind there. Probably I am still drunk from last night. Such a night, It is 10:28 and I came back 6:00 in the morning. I can remember it now.

Tom Waits was there to sing the wedding song and Plato as the priest. The other guests were...

- Why are you telling all this bullshit? Last night was for last night.

I looked at wind. He was in his usual place, rolling a cigarette.

- You are smoking too much. It is not healthy.
- Don't tell me this crap man. Some people die because of smoking, somebody because of suicide attack and somebody because of love
- I didn't know love can kill.
- Youp, it is like water. It gives you life if you drink it and it kills you if you drawn in it
- I didn't look at it like that.
- You don't know many things.
- I want to go and smoke.
- OK, I'll wait for you here.

I came back with some music. In the kitchen, they were talking about the dinner tonight, English course and the MPHIL. Such a long story is this MPHIL !

- Man, you look much stronger.
- I know. Sport helps. But I have a pain in my heart.
- Are you sure it is not in your head?
- But I feel it there, In my heart.
- Feeling doesn't matter.
- So what does matter?
- You matter.

I decided to move from this country for a while. Just few people know about it. I have some bills to pay (again for my house mates!) and then a backpack and airport.

- But you are gonna come back.
- Yeah, I will
- I can give you a lift if you want.
- Did you fix your car?
- Rene has a car.
- But he gave it to Mrs. Brick for honey moon.
- Is she gonna drive?
- Yes, Mirror doesn't have driving licence.
- I didn't know that.
- You don't know many things

Wind was pissed off. I answered him back in less than 10 minuets.

- You are bustard.
- No, I am not.
- Yes, you are.

Wind stood up.

- Ok, I am off.
- Are you pissed off?
- No, I have a date with a lady. Her name is fantacy. My lady fantacy.
- Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you become gay.
- Fuck you man.
- Who is that lucky girl.

He got red. He took his valet out

- This is her picture.

I saw her picture. It was a lake on the top of a green hill.

- Where did you met her?
- In my dream.
- So you also believe in dreams.
- Youp, and miracles as well.

He was in love. He received a text.

- Man I have to go. She is in university station.
- Ok man, See you later.
- See you.

He ran out.

- You forgot your valet.
- No problem. She is gonna pay
- You are a beast.
- I am

He shouted and the door got close with a massive BANG. Ah, this guy is in love.

- Hey, be careful to not get drawn
- No worries, I am a good swimmer.

He took my swimming suit

- Can I take them.
- Of course.

He left. I have to go as well.

Last night was for last night and today is for today.

Mrs. Brick and Mr. Mirror got engaged with 2 kids. It is awsome, isn't it?

2007-02-22T10:57:00.000Z

My new friends are Mr. spider and Miss black cat. They are coming everyday to visit me but in different times. They don't like each other. I mean they can't stand each other. I remember one time:

- You are a fucking bitch, black witch.
- What do you think you are? Skinny rubbish. Daddy long legs.
- Stop it guys, we just want to have a cafe.

For me was not a big deal. While they were arguing, I was in my space dancing with both of them in the wind.

- Are you calling me again? My car is broke down today. You are again late for swimming; ha?
- Yes, I am. I don't have the feeling to go.
- What about Yoga class?
- I don't think so.

Wind have been always helpful. Good friend of mine. That's a pity that I can't drink cafe with him. He is very picky about the things that he eats.

Somebody knocked the door.

- I am going.
- OK.
I stood up.
- Have a nice day.
- You too.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.

Wind was looking at me.

- Do you want to have a cafe. I can make it for you.
- Third one? no thanks.

Mr. Spider was in the corner of the room, making his web and Miss cat was thinking about her nails. They are awful. She whispers.

White cat got online. We were in the same university and then long time no see. But we are good friends. Very good actually. She buzzed in MSN.

- Azizam?
- Salam
- How are you?
- Not that good.
- Why?
- You know.

It was a big silence in the room. Black cat and spider were looking at each other. Wind was standing and rolling a cigarette, but suddenly he stopped. He opened the window and ran out. Spider trough his web and grabbed the cigarette. Black cat wanted it as well. The same fucking shit. I am fed up with them. Ah,...

Wind came from the door. He had a brick in his hands.

- I brought it to smash your mirror.
- Are you kidding or what?
- No, No. I am positive
- What the fuck you want from my mirror?
- Brake the mirror to brake yourself.
- Again philosophy?
- No this is physics. This is Newton second law.
- Don't smoke too much, man.
- It wipes my mind.
- Yeah, that's why nobody can see you. You are wipped out.
- So you don't want it?

I looked at him. Spider and Black cat were fighting again. I couldn't stand them anymore.

- Don't worry. I will take them home.
- How? Your car was broke down you told me.
- Rene has a car.

Big sillence. I was shocked. Three of them were laughing together. very loud. I started to smile, while I didn't know what to say.

- OK we are going. He took the brick and put it in the black cat's bag.
- Leave it. I might need it.
- You will. Spider told me while he was taking his web into his back pack.

They were gone. I was writing. I stood up and took the brick. It was written on its back:

"To my lovely brother, White cat in Paris"

I looked at the mirror with the brick in my hand. I remembered old school days. When I was 18 and all of a sudden I shaved my head. It was a cold snowy day.

- Time will pass. Your hair had grown again. Do you remember?

White cat sent an offline message for me.

We hugged each other in MSN virtual reality.

- You gained some weight.
- No, I lost.
- You girls are always young and fit.
- Shut up!
- How is it going with that guy?
- I fucked him up.
- You are so chicky.
- Not with you
- You are right. I kissed her chin

She went for her work. I finished the post and got ready to go to swimming pool. I should say the main reason was the fact that I didn't have any credit in my mobile to text Miklos that I am not coming. It is funny, ha?

Having no credit in mobile makes you to move the ass. Maybe that's why she even hasn't bought a SIM card yet. Who knows??!!!

Swimming was good. And of course, Rosa's shiny eyes afterward.

When is gonna be my turn?

Morning glory

2007-02-21T11:03:00.000Z

I was just about
To write his thoughts:

"Logic is the way which justifies our senses and the needs, coming from our senses"

Somebody shouted:
"Ali"
And the door got open to the horizon.

Fuck,
Where are my shoes?

Night crawling (final version)

2007-02-20T10:56:00.000Z

And another night...

I woke up in the middle of the night by a sleepy voice. It was amazing. I woke up as I had woken up 3 months ago. I didn’t like the feeling. I looked to the voice. I loved this voice. It could be sleepy, it could be harsh, it could be so sweet, and it could be a human being. I smell the voice and it was the smell of 2 hours GYM and a lonely woman. I came up to take a proper look to my part of it. I went straight to bed and I tried to be as quiet as possible to hear everything.

I heard everything which I should hear. First voice: You shouldn't follow the clouds that crows are going toward. I could even touch it. It was so simple, so nice, and fragile voice. The voice, which I've tried so hard to hear it louder was in my hand. It was a soap bubble and it exploded with a noisy sound.

I put the noise down. I started to do some breathing. I closed my eyes in order to make my nose work better. I smelled a piece of bread which was re-toasted. And then another bread; yes it burned too. I followed my path on that one way street with no car, no bike whatsoever. Crows were singing in rap or it was kind of old school hip-hop. I couldn't really listen to it, because I started to smell the wind. I knew him from a long time ago. My ears started smelling as well. The wind had sort of smell from a place far far away. A smell of a house down by the river, which was welcoming you to have a cafe, or tea. Do you want a tea? Yes please. With milk or without milk? Just a bit, please. No No, Have you tried that Cappuccino we bought last week? No I haven’t. I want a Cappuccino, please. OK. You can try from mine. I will.

I opened my eyes. I saw a nice miserable voice which was singing some sort of coral and dancing in the wind in a very silly way. The voice was a dog. A bulldog that you just want to kick her ass because it is like a rugby ball. But her eyes were smelling like a dead rose. An elegy sort of tune.

Bird of pray was going down to the lake (or maybe cave, as leaves were gossiping about) to look for the pride. Such a glorious voice it is, I thought. But wind told me leave it alone man; he is just happy with a mouse, a rat maybe or two. Rats can also have sex. What is the difference, I said. Wind said fuck you man, smell it.

And I started to smell some drops on my head. It was raining. I looked to the sky and there were no crows any more. The cloud told me something about the crows. But I can't tell it to you. I mean I can’t put it in words. You should just smell it and that's it.

Down the lake the usual old man hiring the boat, were still taking the passengers. He hadn't charged me once I suppose. Yeah, I had just helped him to wash the dishes full of fish. That time he had been fishing. He used to have gray long hair but now it was completely white with an unshaven (maybe four or five days) beard. He was fatter than before. I went to say hello. He recognized me and asked so you are back man. Where have you been my red hair son?

I looked at the sky to find a word. I couldn’t pick one. It was full of scrambled letters but no word. I looked at him and I saw him smelling the cloud. He said, OK we can talk about it later. The rain is gonna make fishes to come up. Are you still fishing? Not really, I am so old to do that. So? They are bringing some light from the bottom of the lake. I couldn't pay my last electricity bill and it has been cut off. These days, there are not many passengers. I need some light for my shelter. But how come? I will show you, he said. Have you got a dead rose? Yes, I have one. Do they like the song? I asked. They just love it, he replied.

Crows were soaked looking to us from the top of the oak tree. They were so tired. I remembered the cloud but I felt sorry for them. They haven’t chosen to be crows, I thought. But they are. A group of ants were walking toward their nest with a dead fly. Wind sent their message. I asked how come? The crows are still here. I went completely in a different direction. But they are wet, wind said. Can't you see it? Yeah. So? I asked. Son, Are you wet? Old guy smiled.

I looked at myself. I was dry as my grand mom's bed sheet. Full of dried colorful Lillie's smell. She shouted from the kitchen: the bread is ready. I was running. Be careful it is hot. Oh, I burned. I told you; it is hot. But I burned myself. All of us are burned, she replied.

I loved to look at her old pictures. I saw a picture of a lake and a handsome guy near a boat. Who is he? I asked. He is your grandpa. But grandpa was dead when you were pregnant and you were pregnant in the picture. I was in secondary school, something like 13 years old (not a very lucky age, of course) and I knew about Odip when I was 8. That was sort of disrespect for me. She smelled my eyes. Smiled and replied by her touch that you are gonna know it one day.

And there were no clouds, no crows. Both were tired from pissing each other off. Old man was taking the light into his shelter. Thanks for the dead rose, he said. No problem, anytime. See you again. Maybe there is no more time. But see you again. yeah, see you.

He went inside the shelter and lighted up the candles. It was the smell of re-toasted bread in the garden. I looked to my hand. Yeah, the same bread that burned my hand. He looked to me through the window. Do you want to have a cafe? Why not, my granny told me once that never say no. Oh, sounds very familiar. I think I heard it one time from a red rose. He replied.

The fireplace was full of dead roses. Why you didn’t use your own roses. They are not for light. They are just for heating, he change their place in the fireplace. The house was warm and very cozy. He asked me: So where are you going? While he was looking at the fireplace dreaming about making love with my grandma when she was pregnant. It was sunny summer mid-day in his dream. You know son, I still have some bread if you want. No, I ate. Yes, I can see it. He looked to my hand.

We sat down and enjoyed the song from the fireplace.

OK, I am off, I said. OK son, all the best. Say hello to the river. I haven't met her for a long time. I will. Don't forget your swimming suit. No it is in the office. And towels? Yes I think.

I went to put on my shoes and I saw two snails crawling on the sea in different directions. Lake was actually a sea from this perspective. Now I understood why he used to call his boat, old spy in the sea of stars whenever he was getting drunk. He was smiling at his dream. I felt his smell and the voice of my grandma. Laughing or crying? Noting, wind said. It is just the sound of instincts pleasure. Don’t be so philosopher, I barked at him and keep on smelling. Their bodies became one and their voice as well while I was still wondering if it is laughing or crying. The sun was very pleasant and bumble bees were flying around the unified body. They smelled the sweet as well. Anyway, it was not that important. Old guy was dead in his dream, like my granny in hers.

I buried his body with all other dead roses. It took some time, although sea made the soil much easier to dig. I text Miklos that I will be 20 minutes late for swimming. I released the boat into the sea with a seed of rose. It faded in the horizon while albatrosses were diving in the sea and taking the light from fishes lips.

Snails were keeping on crawling and they made a sticky path all over the sea. That’s how some people could walk on the sea; wind whispered while he was scared to look at my eyes. I was too harsh with him, I confessed. I looked at him. Sometimes you are right old bustard. He smiled and hugged me. You are my friend, you know? I know.

I just took the picture of my grandma from the fireplace. I closed the door and put this sign on it: "FOR SALE".

Let’s go. Wind was going to give me a lift. He lighted up a cigarette. Do you want one? No, I just finished mine.

We were on the highway that snails had made.

We are all fucked up...

2007-02-18T19:49:00.000Z

I think it is very true
Look in the loo
Somebody forgot
the love in the sink
It sticks to my hand
So that's why
I kissed your lips
And broke the promise
You know,
We are all fucked up...

No promise anymore

2007-02-18T09:56:00.000Z

I have no clue. Whenever I promise something to myself, it becomes different. For instance

....

I had a nice night; and now somebody is talking with my phone. I can´t understand any word. But I know perfectly what she is talking about.

Gossiping is the best pleasure of modern life.

Lost in mine

2007-02-15T11:29:00.000Z

I wake up every morning...I fart and I immediately go to the kitchen...But you know, I don't really know who is really going to the kitchen. Is it even kitchen or chicken?

I have no idea who I am. You can call me everything. You are calling me everything.

For instance, if you were my classmates in elementary school you might call me carrot.
Yes, this is who I am

Or perhaps, you met me in secondary school, then you might call me a rebel. A guy who fights too much in football. Nasty player.
Yes, that is also me

Or maybe you were very good friend of mine in high school and we were walking after finishing exams back home. It was something like 19 March 1994. You might call me bloody metal shit...
Yes, you can call me that as well

If you were a taxi driver in 1997 and passing from our house and I took your taxi, you might call me a monk, a bunch of hair.
Yes, I am a bunch of hair.

Or perhaps, you were a girl in 2000, when I was going to finish my BS. You were in love, I think. At least you liked me more than I liked you (but I miss you much more than you miss me)....You might call me dear... Honey dear...
I can be that one too.

If you were in Mashhad, studying in School of Engineering; you might call me fug.
I can be fug and if you want frog as well.

Maybe you met me in Canada. You might call me secret wild love from Indian territories. A Persian wolf.
I love to be a wolf. Lonely, loyal, and wild.

If you were in Birmingham, passing from my side while I was just to say hello to my bud on my mobile. After you hear my voice and sound of SA LAM, you might take your head up and look to my beard. You gonna call me a terrorist
Don't touch me I am gonna explode.

Or you might be that big name in something. You see me in a conference when I was talking about my messy colorful world of evolving numbers. I swear that I was thinking about that one-night American stand in Nice (marvelous beach I should say) and how mysterious sun shine was in the morning. The moment that I smell that massive gap among my space. Such a black hole it was (and still is).
You were thinking that this shaggy guy is going to be something.
Maybe that's why I am not a scientist after I came back. Scientists have salty eyes. Now I understand, science is sort of black magic. A black magic that you can sell.

Or maybe you met me in the garden at some times in September with the sky full of stars. You might call me a piece of cake who talks to much and lives like a pig
Yes, I can be a piggy radio cake.

Or maybe you were with me in Shiraz at some points in winter. We were walking in the street while I was looking for a fucking cafe-net in the middle of traditional bazaar. You said noting, just following me while you were bored. very bored. Walking 2 hours for Internet in a place full of carpets, hand crafts and eastern culture. You might call me stupid after I checked my email.
Yes, I am stupid. that's for sure.

Or perhaps you saw me once when I was passing by from you. It was Granville Island, you remember? Nice, Blondie, Bohemian Saturday mid day. you were on the floor completely high with you niddle in your hand. I came near by and told you man, do u want a cigar?
You thought I am Jesus Christ while I had a big big hate in my heart.

And you might be my love, bump to each other in train. I might take your hand while you are telling me "forget it, Ali"
Who is Ali?

Pen, Airport and Valentine

2007-02-14T14:53:00.000Z

I found my father's pen
After a long time
Is it a sign?

This time I just want to put a dot
A mathematical zero
After this line

.

It is hard to leave your bud
After that cigarette and cold
bitter beer in the airport's bar
But your ticket is just for now
You have to go through that line
To check-in for your long long flight

I am affraid
We even have no more time
Or let say right (Regarding to terrorist attacks in airports!!)
To look back after saying goodbye

By the way
Yanni reminded me
Today is valentine

Coffe-break thoughts

2007-02-12T16:56:00.000Z

I am thinking about MY social life
MY research, papers,
Money and dolls

I am thinking about MY future
MY mysterious way
In the era of global warming
Internet
And security wars

It is so funny;
you know why?
Suddenly I remember that child
Maybe it was 1991
Or just just now

The girl who was with that posh mom
Crying for a cheap bubble gum
When she had no teeth
To chew the gum

And mom didn't have any change
To buy that gum
Don't take it wrong
Because she spent all of HER love
To have a quick fun
With that bloody red hair son

Messenger

2007-02-12T16:55:00.000Z

Tell to the sun
If you see her around
Tell her that I am so fun
If I drop with my bomb
On her hot surface of shine

My Rainy day

2007-02-11T23:32:00.000Z

And today was my rainy day
The day that I had dreamt

Yeah, today was the day
Which melts the flower
The only red shape
Among all boring grays

It melts,
While it was my only sign
The reason that I went
To see the basement
And bargain my life

It rains
I don't know if it was the sky
Or my eyes who did the job
But after vanishing my sign
It was the whole town
Which shines in the sun
While I was there, shocked
Looking to the yellow light of the house
Where I had something called fun
By my earned couple of pounds

Eventual sunday

2007-02-11T16:38:00.000Z

How come?
He is singing the same song
And you know what
We try to forget
Let it go
And fly

We bought a bicycle
And a pack of rolling paper
As wings
To make us fly

But you never let me fly
You know why
Because you didn't teach me
How to ride a bike

I am just kidding though
It was just a silly sign:
Just today
There is no bike
No paper in the town
TV said Jocker's grandpa died
So there is no way to fly
But we still try
To find another town
Which let us ride our bike

Day dreamers

2007-02-11T13:14:00.000Z

(To Yannis)

I love the people
Not only you
But all of those
Those, who are all wondering
if they dreamt a butterfly

I love all of you
Not because of the butterfly
But because of your wonder
your great doubt:
was it me dreaming the butterfly?
Or is it me dreamt by the butterfly?

And that's why all of us are alive
Because of our doubt
And our painful love
to become a butterfly

Just a little bit

2007-02-09T19:35:00.000Z

1- Every thing can happen when you are sitting in your room writing in the blog.
2- So possibility of everything is quite uniform. Everything is possible apart from the reality of you and your room which is definite, not possible.
3- All the other things are possible.
4- For instance, I don't know what is the old lady nearby going to eat tonight. Chicken Carry or Fish and Chips. Or for instance I haven't got a clue that you went for snowplay or wind surfing or hunting or I don't know, let say paying your bills.
5- But paying the bills is the only definite thing I suppose. The main reality that we are living for.
6- I have to forget it.
7- Nice,...
8- 7 is my favourite number.

JD

2007-02-07T12:17:00.000Z

1- Noting is more tricky than playing with your thoughts and passions.
2- You have to be prepared for it.
3- You might be rationally off from the past stories, but you have the signs. Yes, I have it and I will have. I think forever.
4- It doesn't mean that I am remaining here that I am.
5- Actually, my head is a little bit up in these days. I can smell something. Maybe some rain, which melt the flower and clean all the gray buildings.
6- When there is no way back you have to move forward. There is no way back, no bridge whatsoever.
7- But I still want to play. I am pain in the ass, I know.
8- Maybe this is the way that I should go through.
9- Yeah, JD. I am back in track in a way. Still waiting for a breath which gets lighter by my smile.
10- I hope it exists.
11- It does, because I do.

As usual

2007-02-05T23:59:00.000Z

Another night in the office but not too much work. Reading news, chatting with a friend, quite long time actually and thinking about where I was, where I am, and where I'm gonna be.

I have no idea about future. I just know that you can masterbrate for the things in the past but never for future.

I have to do some work.

Such a nice blue

2007-02-04T23:17:00.000Z

It is such a nice light
When you smell
The ongoing life
But just for now
Never forever

It is such a tasty wine
When you think
That you reach the one
But just for now
Never forever

It is such an awsome shine
When you MSN with the bud
While you touch each other
But just for now
Never forever

And it is such a blue fun
That all of us
Live just for now
And never forever

Take it from me

2007-02-04T00:46:00.000Z

You, the gentel
The drunk
Why escape
From friends
In their eyes

You peer my glass
From the wine of pain
And love
Which is so warm

I have the heart
That flys
In your eyes
But my eyes scared
From your run
So I am escaping
With you as well
While I am drunk

Endless vision

2007-02-03T00:34:00.000Z

Birds went to see the winds
And you to pay your bills
Or maybe that's just
What I've been told

I am still here
In the garden of doubts
Sitting underneath of a tree
Waiting for an apple, maybe piano
Or I don't know
Whatever gonna come
Even a bird pee

I hope it's gonna be the pee
From the same birds
Went to see the winds
But among them
I want to pee of the bird
Who knows what you did
At the end of story
When all the birds were home
But not with broken wing.

On the turning away

2007-01-31T10:42:00.000Z

We talked again. Well, I don't know what should I say but I think the distance is getting wider and wider. It was a silly thing. But of course, I was pissed off for it. I had the right and reason. And of course, she might also have her own reasons (although I am not sure).

We could never manage to have a decent talk. Just one time, I suppose.

I forgive you for that silly thing, the only reason that I was angry.

I haven't got the right socks

2007-01-30T15:11:00.000Z

I understood the answer of all questions
Hanging in my mind
You know bud
After taking the shower
Look at your calender
Not only today
Everyday
If it was today
Never put your black socks
Or green ones
Or blue
Just go with no socks

Sound of anger

2007-01-30T13:41:00.000Z

1- I am angry.
2- I have the reason to be angry
3- Sometimes having a reason is very important. Just sometimes
4- This time my reason is absolutely not my selfishness.
5- Of course, I am a selfish person like everybody.
6- Your reasons might be different from your being. You can have an unselfish reason as a selfish person.
7- Selfishness is the matter of degrees.
8- Selfishness can be relatively compared among people or within a certain individual.
9- I am fed up of talking about common senses.
10- It is a grate bizzar. I mean, when people are so narrow. Even remembering it is pain.
11- I did some wrong choices in my life for sure.
12- I made some wrong feelings as well based on my wrong choices.
13- But this anger is completely apart from my feelings. It is just the matter of respect.
14- This time, should I say that I am not gonna forgive it?
15- Well, let's see; but surely I am not gonna forget it.
16- Apart from the particular reason, I have the right to be angry.
17- So I am definitely angry. I can feel it.
18- Your feeling can be different from reality.
19- Reality is the source of everything fake.
20- But reality is the matter of degree.
21- So fakes are also the matter of degrees
22- So I am not that much angry, because it should be fake to some degrees !!!

Nice incident

2007-01-29T22:16:00.000Z

Just 5 minutes after posting previous one, I understood that I even don't deserve some ham. Well, both sides of the coin are interesting. The concept of deserve, which is amazing by itself , came again in to my reality. Finally, I understood that ham is the problem. If I would deserve some ham, I might deserve something else too. Well, my service is not needed anymore. That's the reason.

So we deserve something when somebody or something need us.

Back to my code again...

Deserving or not deserving: That's not the case

2007-01-29T20:43:00.000Z

1- All human beings get offended when they receive something that they don't deserve.
2- All human beings get something that they don't deserve.
3- All human beings get offended.
4- Sometimes you get offended for other's ignorance.
5- Sometimes you get offended for other's interests.
6- Sometimes you get offended for other's suffering.
7- Sometimes you get offended for your selfishness.
8- Sometimes you get offended for other's selfishness.
9-Sometimes you get offended for your country.
10- Sometimes you get offended for noting.
11- Sometimes you get offended for everything.
12- If you get offended it doesn't mean that you don't deserve it.
13- But it doesn't mean that you deserve it as well.
14- So we should get offended sometimes because we are human being.
15- It doesn't mean that we deserve to be human being.
16- Human being? What sort of animals are you talking about?
17- I think I deserve something.
18- When you deseve something, you don't deserve something else.
19- That is exactly the time which you and me think we are human beings.
19- So human being is a creature who thinks it deserves something.
21- That's why we get offended, because we think we are still human being.

Belfast Blues

2007-01-28T22:46:00.000Z

(To the man, Yasha)

I love to learn your signs
When you were coughing
And your son was smiling

I love to talk with your signs
When you were drunk
After your mom's funeral

I love to hear your signs
Whenever I was in love
And you were far from mine

I love to see your signs
All the times that I was blue
Sad or alone

I love to smell your signs
When you were happy
Under a shinny bright sky

I love to have your signs
When we said goodbye
And went to our side

I love to be your signs
When I will bury you
With lots of flowers
And a barrel of wine

I love to fade in your signs
Though I know there is no end
If I want to be in your mind