My Rainy day

And today was my rainy day
The day that I had dreamt

Yeah, today was the day
Which melts the flower
The only red shape
Among all boring grays

It melts,
While it was my only sign
The reason that I went
To see the basement
And bargain my life

It rains
I don't know if it was the sky
Or my eyes who did the job
But after vanishing my sign
It was the whole town
Which shines in the sun
While I was there, shocked
Looking to the yellow light of the house
Where I had something called fun
By my earned couple of pounds

Eventual sunday

How come?
He is singing the same song
And you know what
We try to forget
Let it go
And fly

We bought a bicycle
And a pack of rolling paper
As wings
To make us fly

But you never let me fly
You know why
Because you didn't teach me
How to ride a bike

I am just kidding though
It was just a silly sign:
Just today
There is no bike
No paper in the town
TV said Jocker's grandpa died
So there is no way to fly
But we still try
To find another town
Which let us ride our bike

Day dreamers

(To Yannis)

I love the people
Not only you
But all of those
Those, who are all wondering
if they dreamt a butterfly

I love all of you
Not because of the butterfly
But because of your wonder
your great doubt:
was it me dreaming the butterfly?
Or is it me dreamt by the butterfly?

And that's why all of us are alive
Because of our doubt
And our painful love
to become a butterfly

Just a little bit

1- Every thing can happen when you are sitting in your room writing in the blog.
2- So possibility of everything is quite uniform. Everything is possible apart from the reality of you and your room which is definite, not possible.
3- All the other things are possible.
4- For instance, I don't know what is the old lady nearby going to eat tonight. Chicken Carry or Fish and Chips. Or for instance I haven't got a clue that you went for snowplay or wind surfing or hunting or I don't know, let say paying your bills.
5- But paying the bills is the only definite thing I suppose. The main reality that we are living for.
6- I have to forget it.
7- Nice,...
8- 7 is my favourite number.

JD

1- Noting is more tricky than playing with your thoughts and passions.
2- You have to be prepared for it.
3- You might be rationally off from the past stories, but you have the signs. Yes, I have it and I will have. I think forever.
4- It doesn't mean that I am remaining here that I am.
5- Actually, my head is a little bit up in these days. I can smell something. Maybe some rain, which melt the flower and clean all the gray buildings.
6- When there is no way back you have to move forward. There is no way back, no bridge whatsoever.
7- But I still want to play. I am pain in the ass, I know.
8- Maybe this is the way that I should go through.
9- Yeah, JD. I am back in track in a way. Still waiting for a breath which gets lighter by my smile.
10- I hope it exists.
11- It does, because I do.

As usual

Another night in the office but not too much work. Reading news, chatting with a friend, quite long time actually and thinking about where I was, where I am, and where I'm gonna be.

I have no idea about future. I just know that you can masterbrate for the things in the past but never for future.

I have to do some work.

Such a nice blue

It is such a nice light
When you smell
The ongoing life
But just for now
Never forever

It is such a tasty wine
When you think
That you reach the one
But just for now
Never forever

It is such an awsome shine
When you MSN with the bud
While you touch each other
But just for now
Never forever

And it is such a blue fun
That all of us
Live just for now
And never forever

Take it from me

You, the gentel
The drunk
Why escape
From friends
In their eyes

You peer my glass
From the wine of pain
And love
Which is so warm

I have the heart
That flys
In your eyes
But my eyes scared
From your run
So I am escaping
With you as well
While I am drunk

Endless vision

Birds went to see the winds
And you to pay your bills
Or maybe that's just
What I've been told

I am still here
In the garden of doubts
Sitting underneath of a tree
Waiting for an apple, maybe piano
Or I don't know
Whatever gonna come
Even a bird pee

I hope it's gonna be the pee
From the same birds
Went to see the winds
But among them
I want to pee of the bird
Who knows what you did
At the end of story
When all the birds were home
But not with broken wing.

On the turning away

We talked again. Well, I don't know what should I say but I think the distance is getting wider and wider. It was a silly thing. But of course, I was pissed off for it. I had the right and reason. And of course, she might also have her own reasons (although I am not sure).

We could never manage to have a decent talk. Just one time, I suppose.

I forgive you for that silly thing, the only reason that I was angry.

I haven't got the right socks

I understood the answer of all questions
Hanging in my mind
You know bud
After taking the shower
Look at your calender
Not only today
Everyday
If it was today
Never put your black socks
Or green ones
Or blue
Just go with no socks

Sound of anger

1- I am angry.
2- I have the reason to be angry
3- Sometimes having a reason is very important. Just sometimes
4- This time my reason is absolutely not my selfishness.
5- Of course, I am a selfish person like everybody.
6- Your reasons might be different from your being. You can have an unselfish reason as a selfish person.
7- Selfishness is the matter of degrees.
8- Selfishness can be relatively compared among people or within a certain individual.
9- I am fed up of talking about common senses.
10- It is a grate bizzar. I mean, when people are so narrow. Even remembering it is pain.
11- I did some wrong choices in my life for sure.
12- I made some wrong feelings as well based on my wrong choices.
13- But this anger is completely apart from my feelings. It is just the matter of respect.
14- This time, should I say that I am not gonna forgive it?
15- Well, let's see; but surely I am not gonna forget it.
16- Apart from the particular reason, I have the right to be angry.
17- So I am definitely angry. I can feel it.
18- Your feeling can be different from reality.
19- Reality is the source of everything fake.
20- But reality is the matter of degree.
21- So fakes are also the matter of degrees
22- So I am not that much angry, because it should be fake to some degrees !!!

Nice incident

Just 5 minutes after posting previous one, I understood that I even don't deserve some ham. Well, both sides of the coin are interesting. The concept of deserve, which is amazing by itself , came again in to my reality. Finally, I understood that ham is the problem. If I would deserve some ham, I might deserve something else too. Well, my service is not needed anymore. That's the reason.

So we deserve something when somebody or something need us.

Back to my code again...

Deserving or not deserving: That's not the case

1- All human beings get offended when they receive something that they don't deserve.
2- All human beings get something that they don't deserve.
3- All human beings get offended.
4- Sometimes you get offended for other's ignorance.
5- Sometimes you get offended for other's interests.
6- Sometimes you get offended for other's suffering.
7- Sometimes you get offended for your selfishness.
8- Sometimes you get offended for other's selfishness.
9-Sometimes you get offended for your country.
10- Sometimes you get offended for noting.
11- Sometimes you get offended for everything.
12- If you get offended it doesn't mean that you don't deserve it.
13- But it doesn't mean that you deserve it as well.
14- So we should get offended sometimes because we are human being.
15- It doesn't mean that we deserve to be human being.
16- Human being? What sort of animals are you talking about?
17- I think I deserve something.
18- When you deseve something, you don't deserve something else.
19- That is exactly the time which you and me think we are human beings.
19- So human being is a creature who thinks it deserves something.
21- That's why we get offended, because we think we are still human being.

Belfast Blues

(To the man, Yasha)

I love to learn your signs
When you were coughing
And your son was smiling

I love to talk with your signs
When you were drunk
After your mom's funeral

I love to hear your signs
Whenever I was in love
And you were far from mine

I love to see your signs
All the times that I was blue
Sad or alone

I love to smell your signs
When you were happy
Under a shinny bright sky

I love to have your signs
When we said goodbye
And went to our side

I love to be your signs
When I will bury you
With lots of flowers
And a barrel of wine

I love to fade in your signs
Though I know there is no end
If I want to be in your mind

I think I am back

1- Noting is more satisfying than doing something extra-ordinary.
2- We are more happy with no easy stuffs.
3- Have you got an easy sex?
4- Very easy one I mean.
5- Sex is a metaphoric action rather than physical.
6- What are you thinking when you are alone dancing in the middle of a funky party?
7- No thought can be deeper than that; when you are just seeing pictures and pictures in your mind while floating in music. Not a concious thought...
8- I learned something from life I think
9- The principle of 3F: Forget, Forgive and Fuck
10- Eat well, Sleep well, Think well
11- Bring the intellectual and emotional noise down and down to get rid of the noise. Then put it on the corner and look at it.
12- Sometimes you have to talk to yourself as a friend or even an enemy.
13- When you have the right to talk you are obliged to listen as well.
14- Weman can see the things properly, but they might not take it.
15- It is incredible, I think things become much easier to stand.
16- That's because of chemicals.
17- Green is the color that I like the most, but I am very happy with my red shoes, red plover and red scarf.
18- How much can somebody be stupid?
19- Of course, what are you talking about?
20- Moon will not be obscured by the clouds forever. That's right, but you shouldn't be blind as well.
21- Baby sitting? I have been asked impliciy and explicitly.
22- Well, I think I am back again!!!

Other side of the morning

Where are you going?
To the other side of the morning
Don't follow the words
Or even smiles

Do you know we exist?
Or we roll by TV?
Do you know the clouds?
Or even blue berries?

Do you know death?
Do you know light?
Do you know fear in a lonley night?

Do you have pain?
Do you have love?
Do you have sign in others cry?

Did you do murder?
Or rape
Did you shot bullet in a child's head?

I see all the fellings inside
Nostalgic, nutural, glourious
Just like a river
I'll mother all
And flow

Another one went

And another one. Like all the of them, you have been informed by a very quick call. This time was the oldest friend of mine. Yasha's mom passed away. A woman which I knew her from my childhood. Warm, bossy and very carful about her sons. A real persian mom. She went and Yasha gonna be more lonely than before.

Something can happen to you that you don't deserve. But it will happen, sooner or later.

Such stories we've started together in Belfast. Man, I never forget that day. And now look at both of us. We again did something together for the first time.

Bless her. Yasha man, my heart is with you. I wish I was there.

Back to the tradition

Coming back again to myself. Walking after dinner to university, while talking with myself in my mother tongue. Going from the other side of the night to the other. Looking to sky and remember all the times that you wanted power for just your selfishness. Even when you did a miracle like jesus.

God is the most selfish being then, as sky is.

Summery

1- The world is nutural. We are making the world as a perception and perception is conditoned to our condition.
2- Internal movements are full of attractors. If you start spining around them you gonna trap there. You need a shift in your movement.
3- That is what I called as inspiration. When you are waiting for thousands of information from different ways. Let them come and try to process them subconsiouly. Don't filter them. Just let them store. And then all of a sudden out of this complex a new idea, a new way, a new creation will be born.
4- Waiting and standing the situation is the only way that you can do at some points. But you have tp pass it.
5- Nice observation: When you punch and get punched you have less pain. When you just punch, you get tired. When you just get punched, not only you are punched but also your being is getting smashed.
6- I think, well, at the end of the day "SO WHAT?"
7- Presumption and expectation makes our life harder. When you think about something and it doesn't happen you suffer. The source of this suffer is selfishness and noting more. Because you never care about the other's expectations and presumptions.
8- Coencidences are quasi-random processes. Sometimes something is coming to you as your mirror. You can see your things in another face, another eyes, or another text. And then you remember all the times that you were winner or loser but this time you look at the table from the oposite side, not the one that you used to be.
9- Another observation: If you judge something you can never take it properly. Judgment makes expectations.
10- All of us looking for happiness, although it is not the most important issue of our life. I think, I find the answer. The WALK in the path that you take to reach the happiness is the most important issue of our life.
11- We have to believe in something. I don't think that the subject of believing is very important. The concept of believing is the core of any belief.

I hate sunglasses

I am always asking why we shouldn't gaze to the sun. I loved it when I was a child. You are not seeing anything apart from a red floating ball which is going inside your brain like a bullet....Injects you the reallity of being...Being....The thing that just sun can show you, and we always forget it because of our sunglasses....The crap that we pay the furtune for it....Being a being is a great pleasure which we always forget it....Fuck you sunglasses.....Fuck you all....Thanks god that I forgot mine back home. It makes me to remember the reallity of MY being. I should just take the suffer of burning and gazing....

Joking

Love was a heavy joke
Which was made by the environment
And a dream
So I was in love for days and nights
Without having any

Who am I?

One night I was a kid with lots of marks in the form of question
And the morning after a monk fliping between happiness and pain
In the noon time a scientist and in the afternoon a shagger
The evening I was a lover and before the midnight a loser
I am still waiting for the midnight to make sure who I am

Rainbow

The desert told me you are yellow,
And the tree told me you are green,
The ocean said blue, the black bird as well
and you told me I am gray
So now you tell me
What should I do with so many colors?

For XMAS night

1- We can never predict the future.
2- If I could predict the future, I would never have feeling.
3- Feelings are unpredictable.
4- Repeated experiments are predictable.
5- Prediction is a scientific procedure.
6- Feelings are not a scientific paradigm.
7- I am a scientist, although I have feelings.
8- Conflicts are the enemy of scientific theories.
9- Enemies could help you to progress.
10- Conflicts make the paradigm shifts.
11- Number 10 is just a theory.
12- Theories are not always applicable.
13- Feelings are not always applicable too.
14- Moving on is not always necessary.
15- Necessity is not always the only way.
16- Feelings are always necessary, although they make conflicts.
17- Conflicts can be resolved.
18- Resolution can change the procedure.
19- Procedures are always necessary although they should simplify the reality.
20- Reality is channel of information.
21- Information is always incomplete.
22- Completeness is so cold. It makes you as a god with no feeling.
23- God is just a mathematical concept, although it is indescribable.
24- Description is not always necessary.
25- Always is crap word. Concepts are dynamic.
26- Dynamism is observable.
27- Observations are measurable.
28- Feelings are not measurable.
29- Measurements increase the information.
30- Increment in information makes more conflicts.
31- Feelings can be increased.
32- Conflicts can raise questions.
33- Questions make you to move on.
34- Moving on needs standing up.
35- Standing up is a paradigm shift.
36- Shift is necessary, but it depends to the dynamic.
37- Dependency is because of feelings.
38- God is independent.
39- Independency is a dynamic concept.
40- Concepts are based on definitions.
41- Definitions are also dependent.
42- Feelings make you dependent.
43- Dependency has different forms like feelings.
44- We are different.
45- Difference is another way of defining similarity.
46- Similarity is measurable.
47- Bugs are measurable too.
48- Bugs can be every where; in your head, in your code, or in your hair.
49- Bugs need human; although they might be in computers.
50- I have my own bugs so I should be human again !!!

Before going to bed

1- Your problem is not the only problem of the world.
2- Although you might think that you are the only person having a particular problem, you are not alone in your pain.
3- But we born alone, we live alone and at the end, we die alone.
4- Loneliness is the building block of individualism.
5- Individualism is the introduction of intellectualism.
6- Intellectualism quote is that “I’m thinking so I’m being”; not “I’m feeling so I’m being”.
7- Feelings have an external source.
8- So we have a feeling, if and only if, an external concept gives you the reason.
9- Feelings are logic-less.
10- Logic is the language of intellectualism.
11- “I love you” is another way to describe “I am not feeling lonely”.
12- When you have love, you have pain.
13- You have pain because you are not lonely.
14- You are not lonely because you are logic-less.
15- You have reason to have pain: You have an external source.
16- You can't compare feelings with each other.
17- Apple and orange are different; as you and me, as our feelings, as our logic and our pains.
18- You can have feeling toward someone else while you are with someone else.
19- You can feel lonely while the other one doesn’t feel that.
20- That is because of an external source. It can be a smile, a passionate sex or a music piece.
21- Feelings are nice.
22- Nice is another logic-less concept. Logical stuffs are either true or false.
23- When something is nice, you are happy.
24- That’s why happiness is not the most important issue of our life.
25- And maybe that’s the reason we are alone.
26- I am thinking so I am alone.
27- I have pain so I am not alone.
28- “I love you” so I am alone; although “I am not feeling lonely”.
29- I am alone so I am being.
30- I have pain so I don’t have a logical procedure.
31- But anyway: I love you because I have feeling.
32- I have feeling so I am not being.
33- I am not being so I am not thinking.
34- I am not thinking, that’s why I am in love.
35- I am in love, you are in love but we are lonely.
36- That’s why my problem is not the only problem of the world.
37- So we are being.
38- I have pain, so I am being.
.
.
.
n- We are lonely because we obliged to have pain, logic and feeling. That’s why we are human being!!!

Last 35 hours

1- Sometimes you can't help your feelings
2- Feelings are chemicals penetrated in your brain
3- On the other hand, feelings are just state of mind
4- All the States of the mind caused by chemicals
5- Chemicals are coming by some signals
6- Sometimes signals are fake, people give you signals in order to mis-lead you
7- I am helping myself and of course my signal processing paradigm
8- So, somehow I should struggle against chemicals
9- I've been successful to some extent but I am far far from my regular state.
10- I need to go home
11- I am lucky one, people are waiting for me
12- I will come out of this crap
13- I have to go to school now
14- I don't let hate to come over
15- I will receive the one that I deserve, one day, sooner or later
16- I hope you also receive peace, although you were not honest with me.

Regards

For one of my usual viewer...My lovely Italian sister....For Maria Cristina Carile....I highly appreciate your help and your support....maybe, you still don't know how much you help me....I hope I can pay it back....All the best by all of my cells....

And from now on...

1- I am in in the lowest known level of my self...
2- I haven't been happy in the past 3 months...
3- Actually, happiness is not the most important issue in your life....
4- When there is an ultimate down, there is gonna be an ultimate up as well...
5- I am seeing the path much better after the fug...
4- I am listening to Leonard Cohn
5- Sometimes, you have to be hursh with yourself and the other people because of the sake of happiness....
6- Again, happiness is not the most important issue of the life...
7- Love is the most impotant issue....but what is love?
8- love is suffering...
9- life is suffering too...
10- I am moving forward while suffering....I am sure....
11- Yes, tommorow is another day....
12- and I am going home, to the place that some people waiting for me....
13- and YES, I heard the BIG NO but I am gonna say to myself the big YES....YES....
14- I am happy, although happiness is not the most important issue of my life....

Life is not all the times in the way that we want. You might spend 3 months, 3 years or whatever to change something. You struggle for that by all the means. You try to go beyond yourself. Even put yourself in a position of a pet or crist or whatever. You are trying, trying just on that matter.....You forget all of your periorities, even yourself, your life, your parents, your friends.....Ok, and then all of a sudden you see the door closed....This is not the easiest moment of your life for sure. But when the door is closed, it is closed. And you should bare in your mind that it is GONNA be closed. You don't want it, You don't deserve it, etc etc but you have to approve it. There is no other way whatsoever.

Well, This 6 months was increadible. How much ups and downs I experienced....Wow....

Now I am in a position which urgently need re-configuration. I am near crash. Although it is trap in a mental condition but it is not gonna be easy to pass. I am experiencing a tough period, but I have to move on. There is no other way but Moving on....I've started from sketch many many times and I am sure I am gonna be able to do the same again....I've to start again, it is hard but I will....My days are coming....I believe in it....