Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I am in the plane now

Miguel was here last night. It was nice to see him. We were walking in the same path that we were taking everyday, from office to home. He was talking about his new life, but both of us were in our memories. Nice old days...

He left in the morning after a couple of farts.

- See you soon buddy. I am gonna call you
- Thanks man.
- Go down and see Carmen. She is looking forward to see you
- I will mate. At some points.
- Remember: 27 th of February was not an easy day for me as well.
- I know buddy. I can remember those days.

I was still in the transit room. The flight was ready. The counter was going to be open in a while. No delay whatsoever.

Life dressed up as a flight staff. I should say, she was much nicer with this out fit. It gave her sort of character. And wow, this girl is sexy.

Counter got open. She was behind the counter checking flight cards and passports.

- Oh Ali, you are flying with us then
- Yes, But I thought that you are a passenger not a flight staff.
- Well, Sometimes I am staff, sometimes I am passenger, sometimes I am pilot. It depends to the situation.

She smiled again. I felt something in my stomach. Maybe butterfly effect as chaos theory says.

- So you are quite a chaos.
- Chaos? I told you my name is Life.
- But you are quite chaotic.
- I have no idea what are you talking about.

My stomach made a drastic noise. She came very near. I could smell her perfume.

- I think you are more chaos than me, little Ali. Life can make chaos but it is not chaos. It is Life. A woman that you want to have her, touch her, and sleep with her. But I am expensive, you have to chase me if you want me and of course you need a little bit of luck as well.

She brought her lips near to my ears. I could hear her breathing. The sound of life. Wow, I want her.

- Go and take your sit baby. And be careful how you deal with me. You have a long flight, OK?

I was shocked and not able to say any word. She took her eyes from me and said:

- Next please.

I was pushed to the plane by the pressure of queue behind me. I am in the plane now. I am just a little bit anxious. She was not happy with her peer review. Let's see what they are going to tell her. Offf...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Where the hell is Miguel?

I am waiting from 5 PM. Now it is 7:10 and there is no news from this guy. It is funny, I am pending and I have feeling to work more than any time in the last 1 month.

I am hungry too. Very much actually.

Life is in the other side of the room. She is taking her cafe and reading the news. She is sexy, but blonde. I think I like her somehow but I am trying to avoid any eyes contact. It is still very early to make any conversation. Let's see what's gonna come up.

I am reading the book given by the wind:

"chaos theory describes the behaviour of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under certain conditions exhibit a phenomenon known as chaos. In ecology, chaos theory can explain how small random events may affect large ecosystems in an unpredictable way. Among the characteristics of chaotic systems, described below, is the sensitivity to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, the behaviour of systems that exhibit chaos appears to be random, exhibiting an exponential error dispersion, even though the system is deterministic in the sense that it is well defined and contains no random parameters. Examples of such systems include the atmosphere, the solar system, plate tectonics, turbulent fluids, economics, population growth, and the vast variety of dissipative structures. Some radical advocators of chaos theory claim that in a certain level of observation, all representives of natural life are chaotic systems"

- Oh Ali, You are here.

What the fuck. Life is standing 1 meter far from me.

- Yes, I am waiting for my flight. Actually first my friend and then my flight.
- So you like F words. Friend, Flight and ....

I take a deep breath. She is so chicky.

- Just kidding. You know, airports are kind of boring places. You just want to leave them. By the way, what are you reading?
- A book about my problems.
- Your problems? What kind of problems you have.
- I don't really know.
- So you have many problems
- Somehow
- OK, I will leave you to read. Hope to see you again
- Thanks, same here

She smiled and left. People are moving like waves. It is so so crowded here; a real chaos.

There is still no news from Miguel. It is 7:30. I am upset, hungry and pending.

I am not gonna see Wind for a while. But I will be with Life, chaos, pen and picture

I gave all of my expectations to Wind. They were so heavy and if I wanted to take them as well, I should pay the fortune for them.

- So what should I do with them?
- I don't know. Give it to somebody who needs them.
- Charity then?
- I don't know man. It is too late to talk about it. I might miss the flight.

My flight number was pi, from mine to the other side of mine. I was just a little bit worry about the happy couple. I wanted them to leave and then fly. I hope they leave today or tomorrow.

- But you did your job man, no worries.

I was in the queue for the security check. It was a long long queue. We were still in the green zone so Wind was also nearby. He is marvelous friend, I should say.

- Did you say something?
- No man, I was just thinking about the flight.
- Don't think about it. Just do it.
- I know. I am already in the queue. There is no way back.
- But anyway man. I want you to keep them for your flight.

He put his hand into his pocket. He took a small book, a picture and a pen. He gave them to me.

- What the fuck man, I am not going to die. I will come back for sure.
- I know, but you are gonna need them in your trip.
- Man, this is very nice of you.

The small book was about Chaos Theory.

- I gave it to you to forget your expectations here. I am gonna take care of them or give them to a proper person. Just don't forget; You are responsible to read the book. Nobody is going to read it instead of you.
- I know man.
- And I think you have to solve the last 2 problems by yourself and with your common scenes. There is no information in the book about them. Just keep your nose open.

I took a look to the problems. The first one was a page full of scrambled letters and symbols from all languages and cultures. From C++ to Sanskrit and from complex numbers to set theories.

- This is the whole written knowledge of mankind. Try to find your sentence there.
- Data mining then?
- Sort of, but not exactly the same. I told you; there is no solution. You should build the whole procedure by yourself.
- OK, I'll try.
- You are not gonna come back with out the solution, you know?
- Yeah, I know.

The second problem. The page was empty.

- And the second problem man. It is about future. You have to draw your future in this page. You can come back without solving this problem. But you should at least sketch some lines there. You can do it actually when you are coming back, after solving the first one. The pen is for that.

- OK. But I have no fucking idea.
- Nobody has. That's why you should solve it.
- Fuck you man, when there is no problem, how can I have a solution?
- That's the thing. You should define the problem by yourself.
- One time I did it man, it is enough for my entire life.
- You think so?

I looked to the picture that he gave me.

- This picture is going to talk to you sometimes. It is real. Don't think that you are dreaming. It is you.

The picture was a picture of an infant in the arms of her lady fantasy. He continued:

- Sometimes let the pen to write by itself and the picture to talk by itself. Just give them the chance. This is your hint buddy. You are gonna solve the problems, I am sure.
- And if I didn't?
- You are not coming back then.
- Are you coming with me?
- No. I can't smoke in the plane. But I'll wait in the airport to give you a lift back home. I'll continue playing chess with that guys and drinking with drunk grandpa. He is a cool guy. He spent all of his life in the airport though. You are not gonna ended like that.
- I know. I don't want.
- Did you take your spirit.
- Yes, it is in my valet.
- OK then, Don't spend it too much.
- I am not gonna spend the spirit at all.
- Never say that, you never know. But remember what Maria told you.
- I tattooed it on my body.
- So you are not gonna forget it.
- No
- Good then.
- I gave the stamp back. I went there yesterday.
- Was she upset for the stamp?
- Not at all. She said that she was sure that "It's gonna be back"

We were following the queue toward the yellow zone.

- OK man, I leave you with your flight and your dreams. Just...
- Just what?
- Are you sure that you take everything?
- I am never sure, you know?
- Yeah,
- But I am kind of sure.
- If you need something ask.
- From whom.
- I don't know, just ask. Somebody is gonna respond.
- Are you sure?
- Fuck you man, You are never sure and you want me to be sure?

He was right. We hugged each other. I am not gonna see him for a while. That's life. She was a girl in the queue. She looked at me. I looked back. She smiled. I smiled.

- What's your name?
- My name is Life. And yours?
- Ali
- Nice to see you Ali.
- And nice to see you Life.

Wind disappeared. But I was sure where he was. Somewhere in this old planet smoking. It was me, Life, and a long queue to take the flight and some stupid dogs who are proud to be the security. Airports are dark comedy, particularly in this country.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

This sunday Rene is cooking

I paid the bills of our house so now we don't have any problem regarding to happy couple. They are going to leave.

- It was nice play man.

Somebody said it quickly. Was it Rene?

- Rene is cooking for you guys now. He is in the kitchen.
- Was it you?
- Me?

Wind came in with an envelope.

- No, It wasn't me. I was out.
- You bought the ticket, ha?
- Youp, here you go.

I checked the date. Everything was OK.

- Is there any need for reconfirmation or something?
- No man, Maria reconfirmed it. Here is the stamp.
- Fucking hell man, you brought the stamp by itself. You are crazy.

I remembered all the good times that I was there. Nice pictures in my mind. Specially one night. I was in love that night.

I looked at Maria's house number. I gave a miss call to her.

- Hola, Ketal?
- Bien, Come in Ali.

I came in and stood up near the door. She was putting her jacket.

- So see you later Maria.
- Take care, OK?
- I will

We walked over. We crossed the street.

- Did you open yourself?
- Somehow.

It was hard to say her about my flight. But I had to do it. Wind was looking at the picture of her lady fantasy.

- How was your date man? You were running to university station like an Olympic gold medallist.
- She is a lovely girl.
- Yeah, Rosa told me the same.
- What did she tell you?
- That she is trying her best to run out of it.

Rosa's eyes was fantastic. Shinny, bright, brave, passionate and honest. I think that's why she could talk about it freely.

- Love makes you free, ha man?
- Yeah, because when you are truly in love, you have noting left to lose.
- So that's why you are flying.
- Yeah, man.
- But noting is an heavy word although it is noting.

I looked at the drunk old guy over the bar. His flight was cancelled and he should wait a little bit more. Actually how much time should he wait?

- I think another life.

Wind was shouting from the smoking area. He was with 2 other guys playing stupid threesome chess and smoking.

I took my backpack. I gave it to Wind to go for check-in. I should go to the kitchen to join the others for dinner. Today Rene is cooking. Bowei is not coming. Yanni and Margarita have another plan. Happy couples will be invited, I suppose. Craig is not coming because he is not sexually match.

Nice, garlicky meal. Even my room with closed door is smelling. I just remembered that piece of paper in her cave.

- Deal?
- Positive +++

Both of us should go through it. I want to hear her clicking even I am sure it is never gonna be for me.

- Never say never. Remember your granny.
- She was believing in angles; you know? I don't.
- But you believe in math, don't you?
- Yes
- Life is chaos man.
- And mathematically chaos can make miracles.
- Here you go.
- But nobody knows, chaos is unpredictable.
- Miracles are unpredictable too. You see?

Craig was laughing outside of my room. Wind was right. Miracles are all sort of things that you don't expect them. If we have no expectation then we give the chance to miracles to happen.

The CD finished and repeated itself again. I have to go to kitchen. Dinner is gonna be ready in some minutes.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Today is for today

I was in the engagement party last night. Do you remember?

- Yeah, You mean Mrs. Brick and Mr. Mirror?
- That's right?
- I was there too
- What? I couldn't see you
- Because I am wiped out. You told me. Do you remember?

And I remember that I met Wind there. Probably I am still drunk from last night. Such a night, It is 10:28 and I came back 6:00 in the morning. I can remember it now.

Tom Waits was there to sing the wedding song and Plato as the priest. The other guests were...

- Why are you telling all this bullshit? Last night was for last night.

I looked at wind. He was in his usual place, rolling a cigarette.

- You are smoking too much. It is not healthy.
- Don't tell me this crap man. Some people die because of smoking, somebody because of suicide attack and somebody because of love
- I didn't know love can kill.
- Youp, it is like water. It gives you life if you drink it and it kills you if you drawn in it
- I didn't look at it like that.
- You don't know many things.
- I want to go and smoke.
- OK, I'll wait for you here.

I came back with some music. In the kitchen, they were talking about the dinner tonight, English course and the MPHIL. Such a long story is this MPHIL !

- Man, you look much stronger.
- I know. Sport helps. But I have a pain in my heart.
- Are you sure it is not in your head?
- But I feel it there, In my heart.
- Feeling doesn't matter.
- So what does matter?
- You matter.

I decided to move from this country for a while. Just few people know about it. I have some bills to pay (again for my house mates!) and then a backpack and airport.

- But you are gonna come back.
- Yeah, I will
- I can give you a lift if you want.
- Did you fix your car?
- Rene has a car.
- But he gave it to Mrs. Brick for honey moon.
- Is she gonna drive?
- Yes, Mirror doesn't have driving licence.
- I didn't know that.
- You don't know many things

Wind was pissed off. I answered him back in less than 10 minuets.

- You are bustard.
- No, I am not.
- Yes, you are.

Wind stood up.

- Ok, I am off.
- Are you pissed off?
- No, I have a date with a lady. Her name is fantacy. My lady fantacy.
- Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you become gay.
- Fuck you man.
- Who is that lucky girl.

He got red. He took his valet out

- This is her picture.

I saw her picture. It was a lake on the top of a green hill.

- Where did you met her?
- In my dream.
- So you also believe in dreams.
- Youp, and miracles as well.

He was in love. He received a text.

- Man I have to go. She is in university station.
- Ok man, See you later.
- See you.

He ran out.

- You forgot your valet.
- No problem. She is gonna pay
- You are a beast.
- I am

He shouted and the door got close with a massive BANG. Ah, this guy is in love.

- Hey, be careful to not get drawn
- No worries, I am a good swimmer.

He took my swimming suit

- Can I take them.
- Of course.

He left. I have to go as well.

Last night was for last night and today is for today.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Mrs. Brick and Mr. Mirror got engaged with 2 kids. It is awsome, isn't it?

My new friends are Mr. spider and Miss black cat. They are coming everyday to visit me but in different times. They don't like each other. I mean they can't stand each other. I remember one time:

- You are a fucking bitch, black witch.
- What do you think you are? Skinny rubbish. Daddy long legs.
- Stop it guys, we just want to have a cafe.

For me was not a big deal. While they were arguing, I was in my space dancing with both of them in the wind.

- Are you calling me again? My car is broke down today. You are again late for swimming; ha?
- Yes, I am. I don't have the feeling to go.
- What about Yoga class?
- I don't think so.

Wind have been always helpful. Good friend of mine. That's a pity that I can't drink cafe with him. He is very picky about the things that he eats.

Somebody knocked the door.

- I am going.
- OK.
I stood up.
- Have a nice day.
- You too.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.

Wind was looking at me.

- Do you want to have a cafe. I can make it for you.
- Third one? no thanks.

Mr. Spider was in the corner of the room, making his web and Miss cat was thinking about her nails. They are awful. She whispers.

White cat got online. We were in the same university and then long time no see. But we are good friends. Very good actually. She buzzed in MSN.

- Azizam?
- Salam
- How are you?
- Not that good.
- Why?
- You know.

It was a big silence in the room. Black cat and spider were looking at each other. Wind was standing and rolling a cigarette, but suddenly he stopped. He opened the window and ran out. Spider trough his web and grabbed the cigarette. Black cat wanted it as well. The same fucking shit. I am fed up with them. Ah,...

Wind came from the door. He had a brick in his hands.

- I brought it to smash your mirror.
- Are you kidding or what?
- No, No. I am positive
- What the fuck you want from my mirror?
- Brake the mirror to brake yourself.
- Again philosophy?
- No this is physics. This is Newton second law.
- Don't smoke too much, man.
- It wipes my mind.
- Yeah, that's why nobody can see you. You are wipped out.
- So you don't want it?

I looked at him. Spider and Black cat were fighting again. I couldn't stand them anymore.

- Don't worry. I will take them home.
- How? Your car was broke down you told me.
- Rene has a car.

Big sillence. I was shocked. Three of them were laughing together. very loud. I started to smile, while I didn't know what to say.

- OK we are going. He took the brick and put it in the black cat's bag.
- Leave it. I might need it.
- You will. Spider told me while he was taking his web into his back pack.

They were gone. I was writing. I stood up and took the brick. It was written on its back:

"To my lovely brother, White cat in Paris"

I looked at the mirror with the brick in my hand. I remembered old school days. When I was 18 and all of a sudden I shaved my head. It was a cold snowy day.

- Time will pass. Your hair had grown again. Do you remember?

White cat sent an offline message for me.

We hugged each other in MSN virtual reality.

- You gained some weight.
- No, I lost.
- You girls are always young and fit.
- Shut up!
- How is it going with that guy?
- I fucked him up.
- You are so chicky.
- Not with you
- You are right. I kissed her chin

She went for her work. I finished the post and got ready to go to swimming pool. I should say the main reason was the fact that I didn't have any credit in my mobile to text Miklos that I am not coming. It is funny, ha?

Having no credit in mobile makes you to move the ass. Maybe that's why she even hasn't bought a SIM card yet. Who knows??!!!

Swimming was good. And of course, Rosa's shiny eyes afterward.

When is gonna be my turn?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Morning glory

I was just about
To write his thoughts:

"Logic is the way which justifies our senses and the needs, coming from our senses"

Somebody shouted:
And the door got open to the horizon.

Where are my shoes?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Night crawling (final version)

And another night...

I woke up in the middle of the night by a sleepy voice. It was amazing. I woke up as I had woken up 3 months ago. I didn’t like the feeling. I looked to the voice. I loved this voice. It could be sleepy, it could be harsh, it could be so sweet, and it could be a human being. I smell the voice and it was the smell of 2 hours GYM and a lonely woman. I came up to take a proper look to my part of it. I went straight to bed and I tried to be as quiet as possible to hear everything.

I heard everything which I should hear. First voice: You shouldn't follow the clouds that crows are going toward. I could even touch it. It was so simple, so nice, and fragile voice. The voice, which I've tried so hard to hear it louder was in my hand. It was a soap bubble and it exploded with a noisy sound.

I put the noise down. I started to do some breathing. I closed my eyes in order to make my nose work better. I smelled a piece of bread which was re-toasted. And then another bread; yes it burned too. I followed my path on that one way street with no car, no bike whatsoever. Crows were singing in rap or it was kind of old school hip-hop. I couldn't really listen to it, because I started to smell the wind. I knew him from a long time ago. My ears started smelling as well. The wind had sort of smell from a place far far away. A smell of a house down by the river, which was welcoming you to have a cafe, or tea. Do you want a tea? Yes please. With milk or without milk? Just a bit, please. No No, Have you tried that Cappuccino we bought last week? No I haven’t. I want a Cappuccino, please. OK. You can try from mine. I will.

I opened my eyes. I saw a nice miserable voice which was singing some sort of coral and dancing in the wind in a very silly way. The voice was a dog. A bulldog that you just want to kick her ass because it is like a rugby ball. But her eyes were smelling like a dead rose. An elegy sort of tune.

Bird of pray was going down to the lake (or maybe cave, as leaves were gossiping about) to look for the pride. Such a glorious voice it is, I thought. But wind told me leave it alone man; he is just happy with a mouse, a rat maybe or two. Rats can also have sex. What is the difference, I said. Wind said fuck you man, smell it.

And I started to smell some drops on my head. It was raining. I looked to the sky and there were no crows any more. The cloud told me something about the crows. But I can't tell it to you. I mean I can’t put it in words. You should just smell it and that's it.

Down the lake the usual old man hiring the boat, were still taking the passengers. He hadn't charged me once I suppose. Yeah, I had just helped him to wash the dishes full of fish. That time he had been fishing. He used to have gray long hair but now it was completely white with an unshaven (maybe four or five days) beard. He was fatter than before. I went to say hello. He recognized me and asked so you are back man. Where have you been my red hair son?

I looked at the sky to find a word. I couldn’t pick one. It was full of scrambled letters but no word. I looked at him and I saw him smelling the cloud. He said, OK we can talk about it later. The rain is gonna make fishes to come up. Are you still fishing? Not really, I am so old to do that. So? They are bringing some light from the bottom of the lake. I couldn't pay my last electricity bill and it has been cut off. These days, there are not many passengers. I need some light for my shelter. But how come? I will show you, he said. Have you got a dead rose? Yes, I have one. Do they like the song? I asked. They just love it, he replied.

Crows were soaked looking to us from the top of the oak tree. They were so tired. I remembered the cloud but I felt sorry for them. They haven’t chosen to be crows, I thought. But they are. A group of ants were walking toward their nest with a dead fly. Wind sent their message. I asked how come? The crows are still here. I went completely in a different direction. But they are wet, wind said. Can't you see it? Yeah. So? I asked. Son, Are you wet? Old guy smiled.

I looked at myself. I was dry as my grand mom's bed sheet. Full of dried colorful Lillie's smell. She shouted from the kitchen: the bread is ready. I was running. Be careful it is hot. Oh, I burned. I told you; it is hot. But I burned myself. All of us are burned, she replied.

I loved to look at her old pictures. I saw a picture of a lake and a handsome guy near a boat. Who is he? I asked. He is your grandpa. But grandpa was dead when you were pregnant and you were pregnant in the picture. I was in secondary school, something like 13 years old (not a very lucky age, of course) and I knew about Odip when I was 8. That was sort of disrespect for me. She smelled my eyes. Smiled and replied by her touch that you are gonna know it one day.

And there were no clouds, no crows. Both were tired from pissing each other off. Old man was taking the light into his shelter. Thanks for the dead rose, he said. No problem, anytime. See you again. Maybe there is no more time. But see you again. yeah, see you.

He went inside the shelter and lighted up the candles. It was the smell of re-toasted bread in the garden. I looked to my hand. Yeah, the same bread that burned my hand. He looked to me through the window. Do you want to have a cafe? Why not, my granny told me once that never say no. Oh, sounds very familiar. I think I heard it one time from a red rose. He replied.

The fireplace was full of dead roses. Why you didn’t use your own roses. They are not for light. They are just for heating, he change their place in the fireplace. The house was warm and very cozy. He asked me: So where are you going? While he was looking at the fireplace dreaming about making love with my grandma when she was pregnant. It was sunny summer mid-day in his dream. You know son, I still have some bread if you want. No, I ate. Yes, I can see it. He looked to my hand.

We sat down and enjoyed the song from the fireplace.

OK, I am off, I said. OK son, all the best. Say hello to the river. I haven't met her for a long time. I will. Don't forget your swimming suit. No it is in the office. And towels? Yes I think.

I went to put on my shoes and I saw two snails crawling on the sea in different directions. Lake was actually a sea from this perspective. Now I understood why he used to call his boat, old spy in the sea of stars whenever he was getting drunk. He was smiling at his dream. I felt his smell and the voice of my grandma. Laughing or crying? Noting, wind said. It is just the sound of instincts pleasure. Don’t be so philosopher, I barked at him and keep on smelling. Their bodies became one and their voice as well while I was still wondering if it is laughing or crying. The sun was very pleasant and bumble bees were flying around the unified body. They smelled the sweet as well. Anyway, it was not that important. Old guy was dead in his dream, like my granny in hers.

I buried his body with all other dead roses. It took some time, although sea made the soil much easier to dig. I text Miklos that I will be 20 minutes late for swimming. I released the boat into the sea with a seed of rose. It faded in the horizon while albatrosses were diving in the sea and taking the light from fishes lips.

Snails were keeping on crawling and they made a sticky path all over the sea. That’s how some people could walk on the sea; wind whispered while he was scared to look at my eyes. I was too harsh with him, I confessed. I looked at him. Sometimes you are right old bustard. He smiled and hugged me. You are my friend, you know? I know.

I just took the picture of my grandma from the fireplace. I closed the door and put this sign on it: "FOR SALE".

Let’s go. Wind was going to give me a lift. He lighted up a cigarette. Do you want one? No, I just finished mine.

We were on the highway that snails had made.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

We are all fucked up...

I think it is very true
Look in the loo
Somebody forgot
the love in the sink
It sticks to my hand
So that's why
I kissed your lips
And broke the promise
You know,
We are all fucked up...

No promise anymore

I have no clue. Whenever I promise something to myself, it becomes different. For instance


I had a nice night; and now somebody is talking with my phone. I can´t understand any word. But I know perfectly what she is talking about.

Gossiping is the best pleasure of modern life.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Lost in mine

I wake up every morning...I fart and I immediately go to the kitchen...But you know, I don't really know who is really going to the kitchen. Is it even kitchen or chicken?

I have no idea who I am. You can call me everything. You are calling me everything.

For instance, if you were my classmates in elementary school you might call me carrot.
Yes, this is who I am

Or perhaps, you met me in secondary school, then you might call me a rebel. A guy who fights too much in football. Nasty player.
Yes, that is also me

Or maybe you were very good friend of mine in high school and we were walking after finishing exams back home. It was something like 19 March 1994. You might call me bloody metal shit...
Yes, you can call me that as well

If you were a taxi driver in 1997 and passing from our house and I took your taxi, you might call me a monk, a bunch of hair.
Yes, I am a bunch of hair.

Or perhaps, you were a girl in 2000, when I was going to finish my BS. You were in love, I think. At least you liked me more than I liked you (but I miss you much more than you miss me)....You might call me dear... Honey dear...
I can be that one too.

If you were in Mashhad, studying in School of Engineering; you might call me fug.
I can be fug and if you want frog as well.

Maybe you met me in Canada. You might call me secret wild love from Indian territories. A Persian wolf.
I love to be a wolf. Lonely, loyal, and wild.

If you were in Birmingham, passing from my side while I was just to say hello to my bud on my mobile. After you hear my voice and sound of SA LAM, you might take your head up and look to my beard. You gonna call me a terrorist
Don't touch me I am gonna explode.

Or you might be that big name in something. You see me in a conference when I was talking about my messy colorful world of evolving numbers. I swear that I was thinking about that one-night American stand in Nice (marvelous beach I should say) and how mysterious sun shine was in the morning. The moment that I smell that massive gap among my space. Such a black hole it was (and still is).
You were thinking that this shaggy guy is going to be something.
Maybe that's why I am not a scientist after I came back. Scientists have salty eyes. Now I understand, science is sort of black magic. A black magic that you can sell.

Or maybe you met me in the garden at some times in September with the sky full of stars. You might call me a piece of cake who talks to much and lives like a pig
Yes, I can be a piggy radio cake.

Or maybe you were with me in Shiraz at some points in winter. We were walking in the street while I was looking for a fucking cafe-net in the middle of traditional bazaar. You said noting, just following me while you were bored. very bored. Walking 2 hours for Internet in a place full of carpets, hand crafts and eastern culture. You might call me stupid after I checked my email.
Yes, I am stupid. that's for sure.

Or perhaps you saw me once when I was passing by from you. It was Granville Island, you remember? Nice, Blondie, Bohemian Saturday mid day. you were on the floor completely high with you niddle in your hand. I came near by and told you man, do u want a cigar?
You thought I am Jesus Christ while I had a big big hate in my heart.

And you might be my love, bump to each other in train. I might take your hand while you are telling me "forget it, Ali"
Who is Ali?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Pen, Airport and Valentine

I found my father's pen
After a long time
Is it a sign?

This time I just want to put a dot
A mathematical zero
After this line


It is hard to leave your bud
After that cigarette and cold
bitter beer in the airport's bar
But your ticket is just for now
You have to go through that line
To check-in for your long long flight

I am affraid
We even have no more time
Or let say right (Regarding to terrorist attacks in airports!!)
To look back after saying goodbye

By the way
Yanni reminded me
Today is valentine

Monday, February 12, 2007

Coffe-break thoughts

I am thinking about MY social life
MY research, papers,
Money and dolls

I am thinking about MY future
MY mysterious way
In the era of global warming
And security wars

It is so funny;
you know why?
Suddenly I remember that child
Maybe it was 1991
Or just just now

The girl who was with that posh mom
Crying for a cheap bubble gum
When she had no teeth
To chew the gum

And mom didn't have any change
To buy that gum
Don't take it wrong
Because she spent all of HER love
To have a quick fun
With that bloody red hair son


Tell to the sun
If you see her around
Tell her that I am so fun
If I drop with my bomb
On her hot surface of shine

Sunday, February 11, 2007

My Rainy day

And today was my rainy day
The day that I had dreamt

Yeah, today was the day
Which melts the flower
The only red shape
Among all boring grays

It melts,
While it was my only sign
The reason that I went
To see the basement
And bargain my life

It rains
I don't know if it was the sky
Or my eyes who did the job
But after vanishing my sign
It was the whole town
Which shines in the sun
While I was there, shocked
Looking to the yellow light of the house
Where I had something called fun
By my earned couple of pounds

Eventual sunday

How come?
He is singing the same song
And you know what
We try to forget
Let it go
And fly

We bought a bicycle
And a pack of rolling paper
As wings
To make us fly

But you never let me fly
You know why
Because you didn't teach me
How to ride a bike

I am just kidding though
It was just a silly sign:
Just today
There is no bike
No paper in the town
TV said Jocker's grandpa died
So there is no way to fly
But we still try
To find another town
Which let us ride our bike

Day dreamers

(To Yannis)

I love the people
Not only you
But all of those
Those, who are all wondering
if they dreamt a butterfly

I love all of you
Not because of the butterfly
But because of your wonder
your great doubt:
was it me dreaming the butterfly?
Or is it me dreamt by the butterfly?

And that's why all of us are alive
Because of our doubt
And our painful love
to become a butterfly

Friday, February 09, 2007

Just a little bit

1- Every thing can happen when you are sitting in your room writing in the blog.
2- So possibility of everything is quite uniform. Everything is possible apart from the reality of you and your room which is definite, not possible.
3- All the other things are possible.
4- For instance, I don't know what is the old lady nearby going to eat tonight. Chicken Carry or Fish and Chips. Or for instance I haven't got a clue that you went for snowplay or wind surfing or hunting or I don't know, let say paying your bills.
5- But paying the bills is the only definite thing I suppose. The main reality that we are living for.
6- I have to forget it.
7- Nice,...
8- 7 is my favourite number.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


1- Noting is more tricky than playing with your thoughts and passions.
2- You have to be prepared for it.
3- You might be rationally off from the past stories, but you have the signs. Yes, I have it and I will have. I think forever.
4- It doesn't mean that I am remaining here that I am.
5- Actually, my head is a little bit up in these days. I can smell something. Maybe some rain, which melt the flower and clean all the gray buildings.
6- When there is no way back you have to move forward. There is no way back, no bridge whatsoever.
7- But I still want to play. I am pain in the ass, I know.
8- Maybe this is the way that I should go through.
9- Yeah, JD. I am back in track in a way. Still waiting for a breath which gets lighter by my smile.
10- I hope it exists.
11- It does, because I do.

Monday, February 05, 2007

As usual

Another night in the office but not too much work. Reading news, chatting with a friend, quite long time actually and thinking about where I was, where I am, and where I'm gonna be.

I have no idea about future. I just know that you can masterbrate for the things in the past but never for future.

I have to do some work.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Such a nice blue

It is such a nice light
When you smell
The ongoing life
But just for now
Never forever

It is such a tasty wine
When you think
That you reach the one
But just for now
Never forever

It is such an awsome shine
When you MSN with the bud
While you touch each other
But just for now
Never forever

And it is such a blue fun
That all of us
Live just for now
And never forever

Take it from me

You, the gentel
The drunk
Why escape
From friends
In their eyes

You peer my glass
From the wine of pain
And love
Which is so warm

I have the heart
That flys
In your eyes
But my eyes scared
From your run
So I am escaping
With you as well
While I am drunk

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Endless vision

Birds went to see the winds
And you to pay your bills
Or maybe that's just
What I've been told

I am still here
In the garden of doubts
Sitting underneath of a tree
Waiting for an apple, maybe piano
Or I don't know
Whatever gonna come
Even a bird pee

I hope it's gonna be the pee
From the same birds
Went to see the winds
But among them
I want to pee of the bird
Who knows what you did
At the end of story
When all the birds were home
But not with broken wing.